It’s so cute when Gen Z tries to insult us millennials. We had metal slides and lawn darts, you can’t touch us
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[filling out birth certificate]
Me: we’re naming him Greg
Doctor who used to be Starbucks barista: [writes “Grork”]
[invention of cap’n crunch]
satan: give them sugar croutons
My superpower is choosing the one table in a restaurant next to the woman talking loudly enough that I know her entire family tree when I leave.
Pretty rude of this cop to pull me over while I’m trying to change my pinned tweet
Friend: I got an expensive new face cream.
Me: Your face looks terrible. I’d sue.
Friend: I haven’t used it yet.
My mom making me come say hi to somebody I “knew” as a baby
HER: Wow, look at all the presents! How did you afford it all?
ME: I used Kohl’s cash.
[police burst through the door with Kohl]
KOHL: That’s the man who mugged me!
Sarah Palin being on a climate change panel with Bill Nye is like Sarah Palin being on a climate change panel with Bill Nye.
Decided to use the classic celebrity break up picture torn in half method to announce that my cat no longer likes these treats.
What does $50 get you at the Chanel store?
13 seconds of eye contact.
If Yoga is hot and out of breath, what does Yoga do?
Yoga pants.
AA Milne: Ok rabbit, we’ll call you Rabbit. Piglet, you can be Piglet
Bear: Wow, real original
AAM: [scribbles out Bear and writes Pooh]
Me: *shopping for turtlenecks*
Amazon: People who bought this item also bought lye, plastic sheeting, and a chainsaw
she’s a 10 but excel thinks she’s an October
Against the wall, on the floor and bent over the couch are my favorite places to stretch.
Me: So you want to see other people?
Him: I’m just getting glasses!
What if Jesus actually walked on Walter and that whole water thing was a typo that no one corrected coz there was no Twitter?
You can buy a 48-pack of referee whistles on Amazon for $8. Give them to the kids of people you hate.
Him: This fish is too fishy.
Me: How’s your water? Too wet?
The funk soul brother
I handle stress the way cats bathe in water.
My doctor told me I have acute appendicitis and I said “Compared to who!?”
One pretty good way to pass the time is Thanksgiving is to wait until teenagers are sending a text message and then ask “OK, so is THAT Fortnite?” and also giving thanks for Fortnite during the prayer and also describing delicious side dishes as “Totally Fortnite”
Soccer was only invented to sell more yellow cards.
ONLY Justin Bieber could make doing drugs look not cool…
It’s as if the guy in the next stall doesn’t realize this is a competition
I asked which vaccine she got💀💀💀
Never let the printer know that you are in a hurry.
Him: Do you gamble?
Me: I don’t even sneeze without crossing my legs.
A smile in Canada is called a smilometre.