It’s so cute, whenever I sing along to an 80’s song, my kids ask me how I remember the words because I’m “so old”.
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Got fired from my last job as a nightclub promoter because I refuse to break the first rule of nightclub
cost of the ice cream my kid threw a tantrum in the grocery store to get: $5
the look on his face when I ate it for dinner: priceless
The first Humans saw the sun go up and then back down in 24 hours… and so they decided to call it a day.
I have literally never stopped thinking about this
I used to think Pet Insurance was a waste of money but my cat is at the vets & they’ve sent us a really lovely little courtesy cat.
genie: you get three wishes
me: i wish you were terrible at math
genie: ok you’re out of wishes
me: wait no
I’m really excited about this amateur autopsy club I just joined.
Tomorrow is open Mike night.
you know covid done screwed everything up when you get into a car accident with a small plane.. you don’t even panic you guys just exchange insurance information.
Resigned to my own fate, but also really hoping that fate includes Snickers bars and an 8th season of Buffy the Vampire Slayer.
At the donut store this morning I point to a photo on the wall and ask “is this a Mapplethorpe print?” The guy asks me how I can recognize art like that. I tell him “I’m an art nerd.” He says “well I’m a donut nerd so I have no idea.”
Guys, I hate to tell ya this, but applied tiger balm liberally this morning and I’m still not a tiger.
Elton John: Mars ain’t the kind of place to raise your kids
Elon Musk: *narrows eyes*
coward
I often stand naked in front of a full-length mirror, studying myself to better come to terms with my imperfections. It’s not an easy thing to do though, and quite frankly I feel IKEA security could be a little more supportive.
Oh the things you don’t know you agreed to when pressing “accept” on the internet…
Pete: I’m Pete
Peter: I’m Peter
Me, competitive: I’m Petest
Apparently it’s okay for the office to have “casual Friday’s,” but “nudist Tuesday’s” are frowned upon. How embarrassing for me.
me: how many trees do you see in this picture?
my toddler: all of them.
Can scientists please stop calculating pi to a million decimal places and instead get working on an instant hangover cure.
We’re way too stupid in our 20’s to be picking life partners
When clowns first attacked these shores nobody took it seriously. It’s just one boat, how many could there be, they said.
Are you Chinese? Well, how about you?”
– Chinese Checkers
If life was fair, piñatas would take sticks and beat the shit outta little kids to get their candy back.
If you come home n your dog gives you a lecture about smoking pot, you probably should lay off the acid too.
Just cleaned my room 7 months ago and it’s dirty again.. this is bullshit
just overheard someone on the train ask another passenger where they got their elf ears because they the perfect “sort of weirdly shaped but weirdly realistic pair” and folks, they were not elf ears
*catcher puts 1 finger down*
*pitcher shakes head*
*puts 2 fingers down*
*nods*
(catcher to umpire)
“can we take a break? he has to poop”
[God Creating Dads]
God: Ah, yes. Think I’m done
Dads: Hi Done, we’re Dads!
God:
Dads:
God: *creates the adjustable thermostat*
Anteater Kid: What’s for dinner?
Anteater Mom: Don’t be a smart ass, Brandon.
Artists when they havent drawn for 1 second
King: the rebels are revolting
Rebels: wow hurtful why would you say that
King: no, no, I mea-
Rebels: why king