It’s so disappointing when you visit someone’s house for the first time, and they don’t have a dark room filled with processing photos of you.
You Might Also Like
Watch what you do in front of people. You never know when there might be a documentary being filmed about you and someone says, “He was dipping pieces of rotisserie chicken in tartar sauce and it made my skin crawl.”
Whiskey, tango, french fry…?
Yeah, I think that’s right.
*Takes gift wrapping paper to the counter*
Her: Did you want to buy that?
Me: No, I just wanted to hold it for a while.
white people love ordering something that’s meant to be eaten with rice without rice and then waking up the next day not being able to open their eyes because of sodium bloat and being like why is korean food so salty like you ate enough kimchi jjigae for a family of 5 martha
I hate it when I forget to bring my phone in the car and have to read a shampoo bottle while I drive.
In hell, everything you have Googled in your lifetime will scroll across a jumbotron.
The neighbors set off fireworks at 2:45 AM so I decided to leaf blow the entire street in front of their house at 6:00 AM.
I didn’t have google maps growing up. The way you knew you were going the wrong way was by driving into a different state.
Sneaking into your house and eating just enough of the marshmallows out of your Lucky Charms to make you sad, but not suspicious.
Me: puts butter on banana bread
Also me: blames weight on aging
Before I had kids I thought there were only three, maybe four places you could put stickers. I was wrong. So, so wrong.
I just asked my boyfriend does he think I’m loud. His response “Well it’s very easy to hear you…”
???????????????????????
I appreciate your confidence in me, but it appears your “foolproof” chicken recipe is merely “fool resistant.”
Me: When I am elected President, I am going to gaslight everybody
(gets elected)
Me: I never said that.
babe are you okay??? you’ve barely touched your chromatica limited edition curry
Since he knows me best, I’m adding my bartender as a LinkedIn reference.
I’m not flirting with disaster, I’m just Liking her selfies.
As moms, we make decisions to keep our kids healthy. Like drinking this entire bottle of wine so that my teenager can live another day.
Too embarrassed to buy “skinny jeans”?
Simply buy normal jeans and put on a shitload of weight.
I caught a genie! He keeps saying “I’m not a genie. Let me go!” Whatever, Ahmed. You can go when I get my magic carpet. I know my rights.
Her: I heard you like to break the rules
Me: [chewing a mouthful of silica packets] you heard right, babygirl.
The lady next to me on the plane smells like she ate a bowl of grandmas for breakfast.
I WANNA STOP DRINKING‼️ but I realized the owner of the liquor store got a family to feed! last thing ima do is let them kids be hungry 😞
[picking son up from soccer practice]
Me: how was it?
Coach: he did very well
Me: how many goals did you score?
Son: none
Me: right well one of you is a liar then
My mom asked me a question and when I went to answer she said, “Hold on I can’t hear you. I gotta turn on the light.” The dark was too loud?
[you cannot sleep while there are enemies nearby!]
Me: lol buddy…
i work in the toll booth and i listen to smooth operator and i sing along but i say booth operator
If you hold a warm baked potato it feels like you’re holding someone’s hand without having to touch anyone.
Cop: Pullover!
Me: It’s a cardigan.
I’m that much of an introvert, I think plenty of people think I’m dead already. So I’ll just turn up to Halloween parties as myself tonight and scare the shit out of everyone.