It’s so disorienting to eat a shrimp and gain it’s memories
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I’m not saying the character Merida was modeled after me,
but I too would rather win an archery contest than be married.
I’m so excited to have the kids home from college until that first trip to the grocery store.
*comes home drunk
*sleeps on floor
“Stupid kid fell in the well again.”
-if Lassie had been a cat
The only time I chase guys is when they try to steal my food
[Murderer breaks into my house]
Murderer: “Alexa, play sinister music.”
[getting ready for plans I shouldn’t have made]
ME: *standing in shower opening and closing shower curtain* here, killer killer killer
Target employee: Describe your lost item
Me: It’s a $400 rose gold Tory Burch wallet with 87 cents and 12 maxed out credit cards inside
As a copywriter, I’ve noticed more people are using ‘whilst’ instead of ‘while.’ WHILE you can use either, WHILST is formal so it always sounds pompous and full of shit. Would you say WHOMST? No you WOULDST NOT.
COP: Have you been drinking?
ME: [carrying 2 penguins I just stole] Good God I hope so
So tired of every man on dating apps saying they’re looking for someone spontaneous. Sir I have anxiety and a career I need a plan.
I tell my kids that thunder means God is shouting; rain means God is crying; and lightning means God is killing Luke Skywalker.
Me: (checks Duolingo to see if there’s a lesson plan to learn the new weird slang my middle school kid uses unironically on a regular basis)
Couldn’t afford a butterfly knife, so I got a caterpillar one. Now, I wait.
A Quiet Place was the WRONG movie to sneak kettle chips into.
ME:After years dealing with my garbage-
RACCOON:*raccoon noises*
ME:*gets down on one knee* it’s become clear you’re the one for me
RACCOON:
if anne hathaway doesnt say anne hatharrived every time she walks into a room she’s wasting a great opportunity
Halloween and Valentine’s day are pretty much the same thing… people dress up and pretend to be someone they’re not for some sugar
A Guy Doing Push Ups ‘One.. Two.. Three..’
*A Girl Passes by..*
Guy: “82.. 83.. 84..”
Cheaper than online shopping and less horrible than online dating.
Twitter.
[ Medical Website to retrieve your STD test results ]
**SIGN IN WITH FACEBOOK**
me: what time is it?
tour guide: 4:20
me: how can you tell?
tour guide: See how high the sun is?
[sun is eating spaghettiOs with a spatula]
Him: “I like your locket.”
Me: “Thanks! I got it from a thrift store and it has a picture of a dead couple in it.”
Him: “How do you know they are dead?”
Me: “They are standing behind you. They said they like your hair.”
Post-it Note stuck to desk: Stop wasting Post-it Notes!
It’s your choice. Instead of resting bitch face you could call it irritable scowl syndrome.
[Arkham Asylum]
GUARD 1: that guy’s CRAZY *gestures to Joker’s cell*
JOKER: *using Bing instead of Google*
GUARD 2: *whispers* holy shit
my toxic trait is saying to myself “it’s only $20” 1500 times a week
A techno song lasted longer
than my first marriage
Are you on a Wanted Poster, because you are sketchy as hell…