It’s so disorienting to eat a shrimp and gain it’s memories
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FRIEND: are you going to watch star wars tonight?
ME: uhh…yeah…of course
[later]
ME: [looking up from telescope pointed at night sky] odd…they seem to all be getting along just fine
The Indian restaurant I work for is so secretive I had to sign a legal agreement that I wouldn’t share the flatbread recipe
Just their standard naan disclosure agreement
If I’m reading their lips correctly, my neighbors are arguing about some creepy guy next door.
We could be like Romeo and Juliet. You go die and I’ll go to sleep.
FINE, I WON’T.
Patiently waiting for the spooky season like:
The Masters would be a lot more interesting if there were starving alligators roaming through out the golf course.
“AI is future of art, music, and writing!”
The future:
I hate it when women announce they’re pregnant five minutes after they’ve peed on a stick, just for the attention.
My mom waited almost 20 years before she told anyone about me. It’s called decorum.
RT if you know someone like this!!!
Wife: You only half-listen to me. You’re in a boatload of trouble.
Me: Yes, let’s buy a boat.
Welcome to parenthood, WHY ARE THE SCISSORS NOT IN THE GODDAMN DRAWER??
“the blood moon rises once again” [the dishes i washed yesterday respawn in my sink]
PSA: wild animals do not know to look away from the eclipse. Bring all them inside during it. Birds, raccoons, fox..all of em
Me: What’s the word for a female scientist?
Him: A scientist?
Me: No, a ‘ResearcHER,’ Haha get it?
Him: I get that we’re never going on a second date
#inspiration #foodforthought
Apartments show you 44 pics of the lobby b**ch I ain’t living in there
Ladies, why y’all do this?
If bowser kidnapped my wife, I would not be saying “wahoo” no matter how fun the jump was
Movie idea: Family moves into haunted house; ghosts appear; family too busy staring at phones to notice; ghosts leave in disgust.
*i put two straws in my drink*
gf: awhh 🙂
me: hell ya double barrel
*i use both straws*
“Want me to help you with that tux?”
“No”
“Ok, suit yourself”
Just saw a ‘Jesus 2020’ sign and I had no idea he was running
My grandma (99, dementia) was at a trivia night in her memory care unit and they asked “Who shot JFK?” and she said “I did.”
My exes dying words were, “you’re obviously in one of your moods”
You ever wonder what life would be like if you didn’t overthink everything? I think about it all the time
I’ve become obsessed with the idea that Jesus was a terrible guitarist but no one told him to stop because they were afraid of his dad.
I think my life exists only so an angel can show the successful me from an alternate universe of how much worse it could have been!
#alternative
The final exam for police service dogs to remain calm in front of a cat, Germany, 1987.
Xylophonist Shredding It
