It’s so embarrassing when someone gets to second base with me and finds crumbs in my bra.
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When I’m in an elevator with a stranger I generally hold their hand to let them know that they’re safe
Her: It’s disgusting how many dirty habits you have.
Me: THE NUNS PAY ME GOOD MONEY TO DO THIER LAUNDRY OK???
Twitter fine art
even if i become ranked as a grand master in chess im still going to call it a horsey
Break into your neighbor’s house every night but don’t take anything just put a cape on their dog
The ostrich may have the right idea
but I hate sand in my hair.
me: do you still remember your wedding vows?
wife: I do
me: [shaking head] no it was more than that
[Toddler scream crying at the top of his lungs in Target]
Me (yelling):
“SAME!”
Date: You shouldn’t be using a straw
Me: I know, I know, it’s bad for the environment
Date: It’s just a weird way to eat spaghetti
Me: You’re cleaning out the basement?
Her: Yes I am decluttering my life. I have a new rule: If I haven’t used it in 3 months, I’m getting rid of it.
Me: I guess I’ll be packing my bags then.
[The Price is Right Wheel-O-Fate stops on the 🕳 symbol]
DREW: ooh that’s 8 days in the hole
CONTESTANT: what?
[hole opens in the ground]
Tonight during distance dinner with my friends we were talking about how much harder it is to be impressed in your 30s and they asked what it would take to impress me and I said an exorcism, so, yeah, I think I need to get more fresh air.
I’m missing the VMAs. Who’s losing? Is it music?
I saw a fat kid sitting on a seesaw all by himself. I stopped and waited for another kid to fall from the sky. I left disappointed.
Me: I’m never getting married again no matter what anybody says.
Her: I made us cheeseburgers.
Me: uh oh.
i know this website has poisoned my brain because an earthquake just shook my bedroom, and mid-quake my very first thought was “oh boy, here come the tweets”
A cemetery foreman discovers that his employees cremated a body he explicitly told them to bury.
“You’ve made a grave mistake!” He fumes.
The rule for washing jeans is once every financial quarter.
“losing/taking virginity”
– turns sex into an object
– places pressure on the decision
– you don’t actually lose or take anything ?“sexual debut”
– exciting
– all focus is on u
– suggests a musical number is involved
Van Helsing: I’ve come to your village to hunt down the Wolfman
me: yeah, I’m aware…
Van Helsing: *loading a silver bullet* you’re a what?
Noted.
No I’m not drunk driving
My kids just keep demanding I LOOK
Years after finishing high school I now know the true importance of punctuation signs
They are for making cute smiley faces
(^_^)/
Have you tried sticking your head in a bag of rice?
-me, as a therapist
My elbow watching me do a full skin care routine on my face.
I miss bars. I miss ordering a nice drink and having multiple people ask me if I’m a model. Then more people ask me if I’m a model. Everyone at the bar would start yelling “are you a model?!”until I’d have to stand on the bar and make a formal announcement that I am NOT a model
Forget what you’re wearing, the song stuck in your head when you die is the song stuck in your ghost’s head for eternity
Me: What kind of tools do I need to make a cake?
Him: The fact that you’re calling ingredients tools means u shouldnt be in charge of this.
I have never bought a snack faster on name alone in my life.
Jesus pulling Matthew mark luke and John to the Side and being like you guys are the big dogs