Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I love how the cat trips me when I’m trying to refill his water bowl so that I get a water all over both of us, but then HE glares at ME.

My boss said I’m not allowed to nap at my desk, but apparently I’m not allowed to bring my bed into the office either. Make up your mind!

me, late night cleaning: I am an adult woman

also me: I am not opening the blinds to clean the patio door because murderers

8yo: Can you just say nothing?

3yo: Nothing

8yo: No, just say nothing

3yo: Nothing!

8yo: No, can you just be silent?

3yo:

3yo: NOTHING!

The free hotel blow-dryer should be easier to get off the bathroom wall.

The pharmacy will look you straight in the eye with no line of people and tell you it will be 20-30 minutes for them to take some eye drops off the shelf behind them and put them in a little bag.

Radio Shack would have filed for bankruptcy years ago but they’ve been trying to do it using dial-up internet

I dug a small hole in the Earth.

I did a handstand.

Im wearing the Earth as a hat.

Friends are like bananas.

If you peel their skin and eat them, they will die.

him: hands up, this is a robbery!

me *looks around* it’s actually a bank

Wife: You won’t believe this…
Me: *steadies eyes*
Wife: So you know Frank my co-worker from accounting…
Me: *narrows eyes*
Wife: …well he asked about my marriage…
Me: *squints*
Wife: He was flirting…
Me: *eyes close completely*
Wife: Now don’t get mad
Me: *snoring*

Me: My name is Daniel Kibblesmith and I will be performing Defying Gravity from Wicked

Casting Director: This audition is for a water-logged corpse on Law & Order

Me: And I have some ideas

The celebrity couple name for Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton is Clump.

Donkey Kong Country: Tropical Freeze (2014)

I want to be buried in a spring loaded casket filled with confetti.

I just want a future archaeologist to have a great day.

The security camera at work has “too many instances” of me acting like a dinosaur on film. And “any amount” is “too many.” According to HR.

a trio of sheep gather to watch as you sit upon the fence to eat your lunch

VERY excited to choose the food with the caterer for our wedding soon. it’s the ultimate versionnof my favorite game (looking at a restaurant menu and deciding what i’d like to eat)

If a woman wears a ponytail holder on her wrist at all times that means she’s always down to pull her hair back and fight you.

Starbucks this morning looks like a scene from “The Walking Dead.”

[ice cream parlor]
WIFE: I’ll have two scoops of vanilla
ME: me too, u could say I want an
WIFE AND CLERK: please don’t
ME: ice cream clone

That awkward moment when the
Priest uses YOUR confession as the
theme for his sermon.

Again.

Old guys always send me a “Good morning beautiful” and never a “V, you are the only beneficiary of my 3 million dollars life insurance”… Romance is dead

You know, I didn’t need to find that poppyseed right between my front teeth immediately after I spoke to the kindergarten room mom for thirty minutes to keep me humble but I guess it won’t hurt

nobody told me when you make a video game you have to make the whole thing

Bit into a beautiful looking strawberry, but it was actually rotten

Anyway, thought of you

*a ship carrying pineapples gets wrecked*

Government: Housing infrastructure for SpongeBobs was delivered directly to them, cutting out all the red tape, and middlemen.

May rob a bank just to get a few short, sweet years away from the kids.

[opens jar of olives and pours them in my garden]
“Now grow to be a restaurant”

Christmas note to self: too much tequila makes tinsel look tasty.