Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

🎶 It was an itsy bitsy teenie weenie 🎶

Me: Why’d my bill go up?
AT&T: u got rid of ur land-line
M: But it should cost less if I have fewer services.
AT&T: And we threw in a donkey
M: I don’t want a donkey.
AT&T: Donkey removal is an extra $50

“Why did u jump off that bridge?”

My friend did it too

“Well if your friend jumped off a bridge would u?”

Yes. I literally just said that

SHEEP: okay you’re in charge of keeping the flock together
ME: what
SHEEP: you herd me

[leaving Hooters]

Wife: you thought there’d be owls

Me: *wiping away one tear* of course not don’t be ridiculous

ME: No idea why I can’t sleep right now

FOUR EMPTY CUPS OF COFFEE: uhhh—

ME: [avoiding eye contact] No idea at all

Halloween is the only day of the year I can be myself.

*flies away with my broom*

Was today a good day? No.
BUT
Did I manage to make it through the whole day without running over my own purse with my car?
Also no.

Please hide my job in a piece of cheese or a spoonful of peanut butter

Grandma complained that with age, her joints were getting weaker.

Told her to just roll them a little tighter.

McDs: to recap, that is 6 McMuffins and 8 hash browns

Me: yep

McDs:. Great, give us a few minutes and we’ll bring it out to your family

Me: my what now?

So tell me, which of my chins is your favorite?

Parents are like “i don’t want my teen having sex” and i get it. I had sex as a teen and now every full moon I turn into a giant sex

ME: kids, santa’s not real you don’t have to worry that someone’s always observing you

ALEXA: he’s right kids relax

Weirdest thing about elephants is how their trunks are so flexible. You can tie like 12 of them together into a single knot. Don’t ask how I know but I need a ride home from the zoo like now if anyone is free.

Saw Top Gun, and I think with the right amount of mustache, I could definitely fly a jet.

[||||||||]=.=====.=[||||||||]
{__/} /
( • – •) /
(__)
/

Expectation:
{__/}
( • o•)
/ >🥕 for energy

Reality:
{__/}
( • o•)
/ >🍕 for energy

[30 mins later]
{__/}
(´･ω･)
/　 ⌒ヽ
(人＿＿つ_つ

Whoa, just saw two FedEx guys pass each other without waving. Wonder what’s going on there.

these minion tweets are getting pretty gru some

Nothing creates permanent frown lines quite like receiving anti-aging skin products as a birthday gift

*plays imperial death march on the kazoo*

“Your call is important to us”

[67 minutes later]

“Your call is important to us”

[hold music]
Alanis: it’s like raaaaaiin 🎵

Important new ad I stuck up in town today. Experts only, please.

I hope when I inevitably choke to death on gummy bears people just say I was killed by bears and leave it at that.

My buddy’s PRETTY drunk…

So I took the car key off of his keychain…

He’s been trying to start his car with a house key for 4 hours now

Me: I’m pretty sure I just died, but this place looks exactly like my office

Satan: yeah, welcome to hell

Me: well, I guess it could be worse

Satan: I also signed you up to be on the party planning committee

Me: NOOOOOOOOOOOO

Today I’m offering free root canals. I’ve watched a bunch of YouTube videos and I can do this

GOOD COP: Tell us what you know

BAD COP: Or we’ll turn up the heat

DAD COP: DON’T YOU TOUCH THAT DAMN THERMOSTAT

ME: *lying on deathbed*

DEATH: get off my bed

[invention of spaghetti]

Inventor: i made them very long

Wife: they still fit in a pot though right?

Inventor: lol no why