it’s so funny that the veggie used to make veggie chips is just a potato
they are potato chips
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IKEA violently attacking me for not having any friends
Swiss cheese is cheating cheese cause there’s holes where there could be more cheese stay woke.
POLICE OFFICER: “Do you know why I pulled you over?”
ME: “Because you know I love riddles.”
Apparently, RSVPing to a wedding invitation with “maybe next time” is wrong.
I know that now…
CASHIER: [over PA] produce manager to the front pleas-
*scuffle noises*
ME: IF YOU SELL LETTUCE HEADS WHERE get off me WHERE ARE THE BODIES?
I’m not antisocial. I’m anti-idiot.
I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes; now I have Heinzsight.
Me: You said everything in here was edible
Willy Wonka: Yes, but-
Me: *takes another bite of Oompa Loompa* Tastes like a circus peanut
When you think your man is being romantic but really he just doesn’t have electricity.
Yet another thing they should’ve saw coming
If laughing is good for you because you use 15 muscles, think how healthy you’ll be if you’re breaking a chair on someone’s head every day.
When I turned 18, my old man took us to the pub for my ‘first’ pint. Lovely gesture that was going really well until the bartender greeted me by first name and asked where the rest of my mates were.
I have a cut on my leg Doc
“Yeah that legs gotta go sir”
But its a tiny cut
“Sorry, I cant save it” *sharks fake doctor outfit falls off*
The bright side of getting attacked by a Cyclops is only having to use half the pepper spray.
[on date]
HER: What are you doing on your phone?
ME: An update
HER: What update?
ME: Not much, what up with you?
Nice hourglass figure, girl. Wanna come back to my place and stand on your head so my friends and I can keep time while we play Pictionary?
But of course I remember you!
Just not your name, or your face…
I’m going to put out a cologne for men who like dad jokes
I’m going to call it Pungent
Me: [sneaks off to lay by pool cuz kids are finally playing]
7yo: HERE I AM MOMMY SO YOU DON’T HAFTA BE ALONE
Me: [sigh] Thanks bud.
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
“There, there,” I say, resting her head on my shoulder
Surgeon: Sir, we’re going to need that back if we want any hope for reattachment!
Who the hell invented Bull Riding?
“Hey, I’m gonna hop on that 2,000 pound pissed off animal…Time me!!!”
Good news, managed to put the clock forward on the oven.
Bad news, think I’ve got a gas leak now.
Who puts a banana in their pocket anyway
Bird: Can I eat bugs off you and use you as a toilet?
Rhino: What’s in it for me?
Bird: I’ll warn you of danger
Rhino: I don’t have predators
Bird:
Rhino:
Bird: Okay I was trying to be polite but this is happening
Britain be like
Me: What kind of stupid phone you got there?
Him: Windows phone
Me: Oh [takes it and lobs it out the window] Yes it is
I still have a Rolodex on my desk but it’s all salami
I get now why they call it being a cougar bc to get my recommended daily protein I gotta take down an elk
I’ll believe corporations are people when Texas executes one.