It’s so hot at work I need to wear as little clothes as possible without being sent to HR
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[first day as a hairdresser]
customer: can you take off a foot?
me: *sharpening axe* no problem
Many experts believe that the first person to live to 200 years old has already been born and all I can say is it sure as shit better not be me
My daughter asked me if I’d be very upset if she didn’t live with me when she’s a grownup so I told her I’d try my best once I stopped laughing
Them: what’s an expensive hobby of yours?
Me: living
If Kraft singles are so good then why are they still single?
i don’t mean to brag, but i totally got to third base with my rem cycle last night.
Why do they even bother having different brands of milk?
*rocking back and forth, trying to gather enough momentum to get out of a chair* WHO ARE YOU CALLING FAT?
When my daughter is alarmed she says what the fridge! And I’m cool with it.
*wife grabs my wrist as I go overboard*
Her: You’re… slipping…
Me: Pretend I’m the covers.
*she easily pulls me to safety with one arm*
What’s the best motorcycle for cardio? I’m trying to get into biking for exercise.
Sometimes my views are right wing, sometimes left, it just depends where I’m sat on the airplane.
Her: I don’t even know what the cloning machine does
Me: Well that makes two of us..
Dog: I have mange
Baby Jesus: I have manger
Dog: It’s not a competition
HER: I wanna be your everything.
ME: That’s great, cause I need a therapist.
HER: No, not like-
ME: So doc *lays on couch* I feel like my girlfriend’s moving too fast.
If someone catches me staring I quickly look to my left & right so they think “oh that girl’s not looking at ME she’s looking at EVERYTHING”
In my son’s class they were talking about allergies, my son said “My mom says she’s allergic to most other moms” Super
My husband is taking me to a scenic bridge today so i guess this is goodbye
When I’m trying to walk around in my house: Tripping over shoes nonstop because kids leave them everywhere
When I’m trying to get kids out of the house: No shoes to be found, a barren shoeless desert, a tumbleweed rolls by
Should my wife be taking this long to finish the corn maze she entered on Halloween?
[at the beach, about to get in the ocean]
“but i don’t want my stuff stolen”
*covers it with towel*
“ok now it’s safe”
A service where I can hire a child actor to come to my home and pretend to love the cartoons I watched back in the day so my kids will think they’re cool and I don’t have to watch any of this new bullshit.
covid spelled backwards is devil. Don’t look just take my word for it.
absolutely crushed dolphin wordle
*Walks into puppy store wearing a large trenchcoat*
*Hurries out of puppy store in a much tighter-fitting trenchcoat*
Your helium addiction is out of control, but nobody is taking your cry for help seriously.
Me: Can you hear me?
4: No.
Me: I need for you to pick up your legos, please.
4: But I can’t hear you.
Me: You can, you’re answering me.
4: (crying) No, I can’t!
Gaslighting is starting at a young age over here.
Canadians celebrate Thanksgiving earlier than Americans because we’ve learned to space out forcible family get-togethers
It’s nice that my vacuum has a headlight just in case I want to clean in the dark or wake my dog up thinking he’s getting hit by a train.