It’s so hot outside, Kermit just replaced Miss Piggy’s sunscreen with honey glaze

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My wife asked what I thought of her new blouse and I used the word “slimming”, I explain to the other homeless people.


Someone needs to invent an alarm clock that, if you hit snooze more than three times, will call in sick for you.


Sadly, the days of people using proper English are went.


DATING TIP: When your crush texts you, win them over by playing hard to get. Throw your phone in a river. Change your name. Move to Belgium.


Apparently the g-spot is located in a $1700 pair of Christian Louboutins.


“So you think you can dance.” should be the title of a Lifetime movie about strippers.


What if gravity…was invented by the vacuum industry so there was always shit on the floor to clean up. Just hear me out tho.


Vodka giveth and vodka taketh away…

It giveth me a hangover and taketh away my underpants.



*puts stethoscope up to chest*

Dr: I dont hear..U don’t have a heart Karen

“Did my ex Kyle put u up to this?”

*Im in the bushes giggling*