@justinmatic5000

It’s so hot outside, Kermit just replaced Miss Piggy’s sunscreen with honey glaze

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@amishschool

My wife asked what I thought of her new blouse and I used the word “slimming”, I explain to the other homeless people.

@DONTJIMMYMEJULZ

Someone needs to invent an alarm clock that, if you hit snooze more than three times, will call in sick for you.

@Tmoney68

Sadly, the days of people using proper English are went.

@jwoodham

DATING TIP: When your crush texts you, win them over by playing hard to get. Throw your phone in a river. Change your name. Move to Belgium.

@hurlarious

Apparently the g-spot is located in a $1700 pair of Christian Louboutins.

@imence2

“So you think you can dance.” should be the title of a Lifetime movie about strippers.

@ilikeyouguys

What if gravity…was invented by the vacuum industry so there was always shit on the floor to clean up. Just hear me out tho.

@LuckoftheDraw86

Vodka giveth and vodka taketh away…

It giveth me a hangover and taketh away my underpants.

Amen.

@KyleMcDowell86

*puts stethoscope up to chest*

Dr: I dont hear..U don’t have a heart Karen

“Did my ex Kyle put u up to this?”

*Im in the bushes giggling*