It’s so hot outside, Kermit just replaced Miss Piggy’s sunscreen with honey glaze
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I always get new followers when I’m asleep proving that people like me better when I’m not talking
Mickey Mouse: Hey, so I’m seeing someone now.
Donald Duck: Me too.
Mickey: What’s she like?
Donald: Me. But with a bow.
Mickey: Sounds hot.
I don’t mean to brag but I’m pretty lonely for a girl with an extensive action figure collection AND a fear of rocking chairs.
My girlfriend just explained to me that people can’t actually go through black holes, and now I don’t really care about space anymore.
A large group of Karens is called a Homeowner’s Association…
Person: How are you going to get over this curb?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I don’t know. This curb and I have been through a lot together.
4 dentists: [coming out of the woods]
guy who saw them go in: hey weren’t there five of you
4 dentists: [in agreement] no
Babies are like tattoos. They’re yours forever and maybe wait a few days before posting pictures of them so they’re not all gross looking.
What I say:
Play outside.What my kid hears:
Find a spot in the yard where I can’t see you so I constantly imagine you’ve been kidnapped.
You, idiot magician: I’ve sawed a lady in half!
Me, brilliant English teacher: you’ve SEEN a lady in half
I’m starting yoga today and If my body isn’t perfect by noon, I’m quitting.
When my neighbor’s bed starts rhythmically hitting the wall, I like to drum back. Last night, we had a real jam session going.
Lifeguard is the weirdest job. Like hey, you’re 16 years old, make sure no one dies.
a god among men
People who carry their dogs around,
You know they can walk, right? Theyre real good at it. It’s like one of the top known things about dogs
4yo: THAT WAS ENOUGH SCHOOL
Me: That was… your first day.
4yo: YEP.
Me: You have school again tomorrow, kiddo.
4yo: NAH, I THINK I’M GOOD.
I’ve always admired a man in a uniform who is soft, sweet and tender. I guess my perfect match is the Stay Puft Marshmellow man.
Who the hell named it a ” Crop-Top ” and not a ” T-short “?
sisqo: [filing a missing persons’ report] she had dumps like a truck
cop: i keep telling you, i don’t know what that means
Why do cars slow down when they see a cop has pulled someone over? HE’S A LITTLE BUSY TO WORRY ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW DUMMIES
The clean up after sex is definitely no small task but the confetti cannons and balloon drop make it all worth it.
I love October because it signals the change from eating tacos outside season to eating tacos inside season.
I constantly see other people’s jobs they’re doing or have done and think “psshhh, I could do that better” like artists, photographers, dog walker, giraffe masseuse, water boy at a bath house, monkey tickler, Seth Greens personal high fiver, Doctor of Thuganomix.
A lady in Walmart told her son “PUT THAT SHIT BACK” so loud I almost put my shit back
A recent medical study shows that women who carry a little extra weight generally live longer than the men in their lives who mention it.
*walks into starbucks*
Me: HEY ANY ASPIRING AUTHORS HERE?? SOMEONE FROM PENGUIN PUBLISHING OUTSIDE!!!
*has choice of any table*
Missiles? Is there a Misteriles?
I pretend I have a “tax guy” because I’m a very busy businessman and not because I’m an idiot who won’t follow instructions
I got mad when my gum lost its flavor. I chewed it out.
Some days you’re just really stupid. 365 to be exact.