@justinmatic5000
@BobTheSuit Just emerged from my Y2K bunker.
Everybody okay?
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@BobTheSuit 
@amishschool My wife asked what I thought of her new blouse and I used the word “slimming”, I explain to the other homeless people.
@DONTJIMMYMEJULZ Someone needs to invent an alarm clock that, if you hit snooze more than three times, will call in sick for you.
@Tmoney68 Sadly, the days of people using proper English are went.
@jwoodham DATING TIP: When your crush texts you, win them over by playing hard to get. Throw your phone in a river. Change your name. Move to Belgium.
@hurlarious Apparently the g-spot is located in a $1700 pair of Christian Louboutins.
@imence2 “So you think you can dance.” should be the title of a Lifetime movie about strippers.
@ilikeyouguys What if gravity…was invented by the vacuum industry so there was always shit on the floor to clean up. Just hear me out tho.
@LuckoftheDraw86 Vodka giveth and vodka taketh away…
It giveth me a hangover and taketh away my underpants.
Amen.
@KyleMcDowell86 *puts stethoscope up to chest*
Dr: I dont hear..U don’t have a heart Karen
“Did my ex Kyle put u up to this?”
*Im in the bushes giggling*