It’s so hot that my thermostat says “Idris Elba”.
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Neighbor was looking at her engine, I thought I’d help, she said the check engine light came on so she opened the hood but didn’t know what she should be checking for. So then we both stood there checking the engine.
First date idea: you rescue me out of the tree I got stuck in while looking through your windows.
[playing with a Ouija board with my dog]
Board: B A L L
Me: I know that’s you moving it! Stop!
Board: T R E A T S
I bet most people learn their neighbor kid’s name not by proper introduction, but by the parents yelling it in a loud voice over & over.
I want to win a contest where you get a line in a movie. And I want that line to be about the chili dog I’m eating. And I’m going to keep screwing up that line. And they’re going to have to keep bringing me chili dogs.
*the night I met my spouse*
Me: I don’t usually do this.
*present day, as the kids binge YouTube*
Me: I don’t usually do this.
007: the name’s bond…james bond
me: nice to meet you bond james bond
007: just james bond
me: bond just james bond
007: no my full name is just james bond
me: nice to meet you just james bond
007: you know i can legally kill you
me: no, never met him
007: *draws weapon*
“Condominium” sounds like a safe sex spell you learn at Hogwarts.
The Home Depot guy doesn’t care why we’re buying all this quicklime. Be cool. Stop sweating.
These people at the theater are looking at me like they’ve never seen a grown woman hugging a stuffed animal at a scary clown movie before
A new study says eating sugar will kill you and was conducted by the No Shit Sherlock Research Institute.
Me: I need to make better life choices.
Also me: CAKE FOR BREAKFAST IT IS.
Won the “Typo of the Moth Award” AGAIN!
If you judge how good or bad someone is at breathing are you aspi-rating?
Hey girl, I heard you like bad boys?
*starts jigsaw puzzle from middle instead of edges*
Please do not shout “2020” in a crowded theater.
[MURDER SCENE]
ME: It’s a pretty open and shut case, Chief
CHIEF: For the last time, stop admiring the luggage the victim was found in and take a DNA sample
“Coffee is disgusting. Why would grown ups drink this stuff?” says my son, who woke up at 5 AM of his own free will and then proceeded to wake me at 5 AM against my own free will.
My wife and I just finished an intense 6-month mediation to pick the movie we’re going to fall asleep 10 minutes into.
Clownfish: Why the long face, Bob?
Seahorse: If you make a Sarah Jessica Parker joke, I swear to Triton…
I got run over by a bus once but yes yes you’re right, there’s nothing worse than a paper cut!
Why are sloths one of the 7 deadly sins? Those little guys don’t hurt anybody. They just chill all day.
cop: are you sure your identity’s been stolen
: very
What if deer stare at our headlights because they’re trying to use the force to stop the car and when one actually stops their deer squad is in the woods watching and just losing their minds over it
How do I get a job as the non-research half of a murder podcast that just contributes the occasional well-timed “wait, what?”
I’ve got this great joke where I kidnap people’s sticker families and leave little post-it ransom notes. Adorable or horrifying? You decide
I never drank a day in my life. I almost drank 18 hours once, though.
Just saw a cyclist put his hand out to indicate he was turning left when a lone pedestrian high fived him. I feel so good right now.
Wanted: One (1) flat earther to be my friend so I can talk to you when I’m down and you can tell me my belly is actually flat.
No weirdos.