It’s so hot today I went to see the ex just for the cold shoulder and icy stare.
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A friend just texted me & asked for relationship advice. That’s like asking the pope to name all the members of Slipknot.
Ah, gaily-wrapped gifts beneath a Christmas tree, twinkling lights, mince pies, and an open fire. I’m in a good place right now. I should probably leave before the owners get home.
Me: we can stay at the playground a little longer
3: for forever?! Yay!!
Me: for five more minutes
3: *bursts into tears*
the worst part of jury duty is having to shower with all the other jurors
The proctologist told me to drop my pants so I did what any good listener from the 80s did
Wife: Yelling stranger danger hysterically was a bit much though
I should go back to school –> I should take an online course –> I should watch tutorials on YouTube –> I should watch news bloopers on YouTube –> I’m hungry
The lady from HR challenged me to name one of my boss’s good qualities and the best I could come up with is “he’s biodegradable”
them: ok so we’ve developed the most dangerous parking lot imaginable
trader joe: make the lanes even narrower
them: done
tj: make sure there are lots of blind spots
them: you got it
tj: *snorts coke* lets pay some people to back out of parking spots at 30 mph
Before we were married, my wife was like a tiger in the bedroom.
Now she’s more like a possum.
She plays dead whenever a snake approaches.
interviewer: so mr long legs what are your qualifications for the position of web designer
spider: haha, mr long legs was my father, you can call me daddy
I CANT HOLD THEM BACK MUCH LONGER
[job interview]
Panel: We’re looking for someone with intensity, focus, passion and drive
Me: *adjusting volume on Ipod* sorry what?
I didn’t set my clocks back. I’m writing this from one hour in your future. We have jet packs.
Son, it’s ur 18th birthday, so I got u a brand new car…
“OMG DAD. WOW-”
…dboard box.
“But-”
Pack up, ur moving out birthday boy.
*at a restaurant, eating burgers*
Me: “I don’t take condiments well.”
Friend: “Don’t you mean compliments?”
Me: *already covered head-to-toe in ketchup*
i be like “i’m fine” then shake my leg 200mph
People who say their migraine is going to be the death of them are totally right because I just killed a lady right after she said that.
I left a trail of rose petals leading to the bed and on the bed was a note that said “This is what happens to roses who cross me”
They say you should throw out anything you haven’t used in six months. There goes the vacuum!
Brain: Let’s play a game.
Me: What?
Brain: Remember where you parked before the ice cream melts.
Me: Fuuuuu……
“I deleted that tweet because I’ve really grown as a writer in the past 7 minutes and it’s just not up to my current standards”
OUCH I HAVE A FOOT CRAMP
You’re dehydrated
[Walks on toes]
Drink some water
[Crawls on knees]
Drink water
[Lays on floor]
Water-
[Dies]
Dear student loan, thank you for saving my life. I can’t think how I can ever repay you.
All I want for Christmas is someone to love and a horse solves crimes.
I hope you never have to experience the loss of a child. Lotta paperwork.
That earthquake could have been an email.
[No sports whatsoever: Day 3]
*cheers loudly for the leaf that blew across the yard faster than the other leaves*
Mom: “Why are you always on your phone? What’s so great about the internet?”
Me: It doesn’t constantly ask me questions
May I get your name? Yes, its “I’m The Only Person Here Waiting For Coffee.”