It’s so nice that Girl Scout Cookies come in single serving packages.
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You don’t need to wear clothes in public if you can run fast enough.
i ordered the mcdonald’s land air and sea burger and my stomach quit in the middle of its shift
Settle down, guy who brought a hammock to a public park. You’re working awfully hard to show us how relaxed you are.
Help, I lost my voice. Is there an app that will yell at my kids for me?
How to eat French fries:
1) Eat all the good ones.
2) Leave the yucky ones and feel superior.
3) Wait 5 minutes.
4) Eat all the yucky ones.
Sorry ISIS but we already have a religious state that nobody likes and is full of people that hate modern thinking: it’s called Kansas.
my wife said she was trash, so i said that must make me an opossum, and i think we just renewed our vows
Some homophobic guys are scared that a dude might hit on ’em.
If a chick wouldn’t hit on you, neither would a dude.
Ugliness is universal.
My 1 yr old only says the words “no,” “mine,” and “bye” and I tried it out and it turns out that’s actually all you need.
wife: can you stop messing around
lawyer: im not
wife: just read my husband’s will please
lawyer: that’s what it says.. “oOoOoh im a ghost”
Just because I’m smiling doesn’t necessarily mean that I like you. I might be picturing you on fire.
If you send me a work memo on the weekend I respond with Linkin Park lyrics.
<door bell>
Zombie wife: Is that Bob?
Zombie husband: *looks thru peep hole* Not sure, but he’s a dead ringer.
Do people who happily announce their pregnancy know they are going to be stuck with a baby afterwards?
not me looking down to google “why is my dog staring at me” only to look back up and see my dog barfing on the carpet 😑😑😑😑😑
I’m not saying my son is competitive, but he was happy he had a higher fever than his brother
2010: Didn’t jog
2011: Didn’t jog
2012: Didn’t jog
2013: Didn’t jog
2014: Haven’t jogged~ This is a running joke
A cat has contracted the COVID-19 disease. Don’t ask Meow
.@LAPD My wife made hazelnut “coffee” with my coffee maker. Send all available units.
I saw a girl carrying a hamster so I asked if I could pet it but it was actually a muffin so I’m on my way to jump of a cliff now
that’s exactly what a haunted chair WOULD say
Worst Friday the 13th ever. Someone stole the baby Jason from our nativity set.
I wonder about the people who unfollow after one day. What were they expecting, Louis C.K.?
I’m at my most vulnerable when I’m trying to spell Chrysanthemum
Noah’s wife: the ark is falling apart
Noah: glue might work, I have an idea
Horse: it’s weird he brought 3 of us
10 out of 8 mathematicians recommend improper fractions.
When you go out with a couple on the brink of divorce.
[first day as a mechanic]
customer: can i get a quote?
me: give me liberty or give me death
customer: i meant for the truck
me: oh sorry…autobots, roll out