It’s so unfair how the houses on HGTV get remodeled in 30-60 minutes, but my house is taking 2-3 months.
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BOSS: You’re late again today
ME {still using the Mayan calendar}: We’re lucky to even be here you know
Marriage is seeing your spouse happy, and wondering if it’s because they’re fantasizing your death.
Online recipes have finally added a jump to the recipe button. Now if blogs could add a jump to the point button, life would be golden.
Pooh on Cold Callers:
These are very kind people who call you to ask if you’ve been injured at work. They are so thoughtful they ring several times a day just to make sure you’re all right. I keep telling them I don’t know what work is but they still keep calling me anyway…
Of all the dinosaurs at yoga class, T-Rex was the worst at downward-facing dog.
I hate it when I’m at a red light, trying to find a good song, & someone honks when the light turns green.
Calm the hell down. It’ll turn green again.
“you smell good” yeah bro i’ve had a nose my whole life
Jehovahs Witnesses: do you have time to talk about our lord and savior?
Me: of course! please come in!
[door slams shut and locks]
[lights dim]
[my PowerPoint presentation begins]Me: but first I wanna tell you about a timeshare opportunity!!!
Before you cannibalize your roommate due to cabin fever, remember that you cannot afford the rent alone. #blizzard2016
True love is knowing which parts of Bohemian Rhapsody are yours and which are theirs as you belt it out in the car.
JFK was the perfect name for this airport because it makes me feel like I got shot in the head
Lucky old June.
“Kids, grandma just had hip surgery so I need to warn you, she’s not herself.”
*grandma struts in wearing skinny jeans and smoking an E-cig*
they probably named the Rocky mountains first and then saw all the other mountains and were like “oh”
[first time]
HER: (handing me condom) Do you know how to put this on?
ME: They showed us in health class.
HER: Good.
ME: Okay, where’s the banana?
(first day at law school)
Me: When do we learn about the law of gravity?
Prof: We don’t.
Me: This is BULLSHIT.
*flips table*
*table floats up to ceiling*
[funeral]
I’ll never forget dad’s last words: It’s way past Halloween! What moron left the hilarious CAUTION tape on this elevator?
JUDGE: put ur hand on this book and promise not to lie
PERSON WHO IS IN COURT LITERALY FOR LYING ABOUT THINGS: uh…… ok
If I liked one of your pics from 12 weeks ago, doesn’t mean I’m stalking you…It just means you haven’t looked nice in awhile
wife: you forgot to take the garbage out
me: sorry. I’ll take 2 garbages out tonight
The options really are this bad
Everyone on the bus thinks that they are the main character, when in reality the main character is the bus
If you get a DM from Keanu Reeves asking for money, it’s probably fake because I already took care of him
Egyptians did pretty well for a civilization that wrote entirely in emoji.
Since Hemsworth didn’t go for Thanos’s head, Avengers: Infinity War is a Chris miss movie.
Child just ran by screaming WHERE’S THE PLUNGER GET TOWELS LOTS OF TOWELS so anyway how is your day going?
me: you take my breath away!
scuba instructor: sir, just give me the tank
I’m no legal expert, but I’m pretty sure people who walk up and stand suuuuper close to you in line are actually supposed to go to jail instead
Since I had to google “exercise” to make sure I spelled it right, I think it’s safe to say I have no idea what to do at the gym.