It’s so weird that we’ve only have one American president named after a cartoon cat.
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#wordsofwisdom
If it says, ‘Do not try this at home’ – go and visit a friend.
The best thing about owning a Smart Car is if you get too drunk at the bar you can just carry it home.
WIFE: The fire department is at the front door again
ME: *hiding my mixtape* Do they look mad?
If your mailbox isn’t made of tractor parts and your house doesn’t have a septic tank, you’re not allowed to like country music.
I don’t make the rules.
My kids dressed in various parts of different Halloween costumes.
Husband: What are they?
Me: Happy, so I’m not asking any questions
It was pouring rain. As I walked into the store, my feet slipped & I slid toward a random man walking out. He had a huge bag of pet food on his shoulder. The panicked look on his face as he tried to decide whether to drop the bag & grab me or NOT was a like a whole Russian novel.
Therapist: so your parents also suffered from depression?
Me: no they both liked it
My husband took the kids to brunch so I’m gonna get wild and drink my coffee while it’s still hot.
her: i like a guy that can last long 😉
me, a piece of flavored gum: shit
COP: please step out of your vehicle
ME: finally *leaves body*
[job interview]
“You wrote here your biggest weakness is not knowing what irony means.”
“Ironic isn’t it? Is it? I don’t know.”
Canadian owl: Eh?
Taco Bell is really the only place you can still get gas for $1.29 at the moment.
It’s cute how alcohol comes in a paper bag so when you hit rock bottom you have something to hyperventilate into.
Jack is coming over.
“Jack from work or Jack and the…”
[a beanstalk comes up through the floor and crashes through the ceiling]
Dragons aren’t evil; they’re just upset that they can’t enjoy Popsicles and other frozen treats.
Me: Goodnight, see you in the morning
3: Goodnight, see you in a minute
Take a look at trending topics and you’ll realize why they have to write “do not eat” on dry silica packets.
My kid, describing the size of the raindrop that “hurt” his face
What do the Quiet Place aliens do when the 17-year cicadas emerge and start screaming?
do u think karl marx was a marxist bc of his last name or was it just a coincidence
I was told that I could have anything as long as I applied myself, but the loan officer at my bank begs to differ.
I Google image searched the phrase “Google image search” and accidentally opened a portal to hell.
Therapist: What if you didn’t constantly hammer away at yourself in your head?
Me: Lol I know right
Therapist: For real though
Me: Can you imagine haha
Therapist: No. I am making an actual suggestion
Me: Wait, that’s an option?
“How crazy is your ex? Crazy like my triceps?” “How sick is your mother? Sick like my triceps?”
twitter is a journey
I want the confidence of my 3yo while taking a giant drink of straight lime juice after I’ve been yelling at her for 2 mins that she will not like it.
I wonder how many times they edited the Bible to take out whenever Jesus said “anyhoo”
*see Shawshank on TV guide*
Wife: Don’t do it
*picks up remote*
W: I said don’t do it
*turns TV to Shawshank*
W: YOUVE SEEN IT 90 TIMES
Ziiipppp, zip, zip, zip, ziiiipppp!
*Me, dramatically ending a marital spat during a camping trip