It’s so weird to call it the “mall”. In Scotland we are very creative, we call one store a “shop” and many stores “the shops”.
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Breaking news from My dog!! there ar Small animals outside sometimes, but especially Right Now.
Therapist: today we’re going to do an exercise
Me [shifts nervously in seat]: oh, I-uh
Therapist: calm down, fatty. Not actual exercise
imagine being a bald vampire and every time you walk by a mirror your toupee looks like it’s floating in mid air.
you can tell it’s bedtime when the kids start blaming each other for it being bedtime, as if each brother magically and maliciously made time pass more quickly for the other
I need to find a way to politely tell the new girl that- how can I put this delicately?- aliens can smell her perfume in space.
How old people make use of canes:
10% walking.
90% shaking & waving at whippersnappers.
Seriously, calm down. I backed into you by accident.
Him: You hit me three times!
roman: how will we know which one is jesus
judas: imma kiss him
roman: why
judas: *applying lip gloss* lol i know right
What does it mean when you’re flirting with a guy and he’s just crying and holding up a crucifix?
Seriously considering commissioning a family portrait photo and getting the photographer to photoshop all our faces slightly too small. Enough to be disconcerting, but not enough for guests to feel comfortable mentioning it.
Crazy how my 3-year-old can expertly maneuver the Android operating system but can’t put on a flip flop.
Most of us were taught to never get in cars with strangers, so taxi cabs make absolutely no sense.
Son: [excited] dad, I just signed up for a triathlon
Dad: [sighing, doesn’t look up from newspaper] well let me know when you sign up for a winathlon
[Office]
*Dolphin accidentally dials fax numberFax:EEphkEekakischchEEek
Dolphin:Well, I don’t normally do this. But yes I’m free tonight
oh, internet, you didn’t even exist when this happened to me. every weekend.
Some people make mountains out of mole hills, some people make a competition out of crazy
Ya know when you buy a bag of of salad and it gets all brown and crusty…. cookies don’t do that
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
Mom always said to wear clean underwear in case I got hit by a bus and I’m like “they wouldn’t be clean anyway mom!”
I feel like calling it a “nervous system” was just setting me up for failure.
If they cancel the Simpsons we will no longer be able to see into the future
Me: I like my whiskey like my marriage
Bar tender: On the rocks?
Me: What? No. Full of coke
Welcome to your forties, when you start saying things like “This store isn’t open yet? It’s almost 7am!”
Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Oh Lord Hashtag Lol
I don’t like atheism. I’ve worked too many minimum wage jobs for someone to tell me there’s nothing after this. I once waitresses the smoking section of Applebee’s. Smelled like divorce papers signed with a gun shot. I need heaven!
Is it still ‘breakfast’ if you have had midnight snacks in four equal intervals before you woke up formally?
Legos cost way too much for smthg I still have to put together myself
*softly brushes the hair away from your face
“I said it’s my turn to jump in the bounce house.”
MAMA GRAPE (to Baby Grape): If you’re going outside, be sure not to wear sunscreen so you get all dry and wrinkly!!
PAPA GRAPE: Ah, you’re raisin them well…