It’s so weird, when I was a kid BBC Radio 2 played dated songs for old people – but they must have had a policy change over the years cuz now they seem to play cool, awesome songs for young people like me!
You Might Also Like
Fact: Chihuahuas shake so much because their blood is two thirds Red Bull.
Do I speak Spanish?
Oui!
Take it from me
Yellow crayons are no substitute for cheese
sexyaardvark69 [username taken]
sexywombat69 [username taken]
sexyplatypus69 [username taken]sorry this might take a while…
“Why won’t you loan a neighbor a cup of sugar?”
[ sigh ] “You’re a pile of ants wearing a bathrobe.”
[ bathrobe sags dejectedly ]
the twelve days of christmas is completely unrealistic there is no way that you’re still accepting gifts from someone after four days of birds
Have friends in your life that can text you things like ‘I’m playing with fire’ and you’re unsure if they’re using a metaphor or dabbling in arson.
I received a call from a charity asking me to donate clothes for starving people. Anyone who can fit into my clothes isn’t starving!
I like to carry binoculars when hiking so that when I make frequent stops it looks like I’m appreciating nature instead of fighting for air
I wish I had the exciting social life my mom must have envisioned when she used to stitch my name into my underwear.
You can’t be mad if I poop in it. Your the one with a toilet planter in your front yard.
One time I screamed so hard about a professional athlete not playing through an injury I blew out my back and couldn’t work for a week.
I have sitting jeans and I have standing jeans, but I don’t have a pair that’ll do both.
Husband: *bleeding* CALL 911!
Me: I would, but *shows both hands caught in Pringles cans*
Husband: WELL, RUN FOR HELP!
Me: *shows both feet caught in Pringles cans*
thanks, but I’M TOO FAR AWAY FOR YOU TO BE HOLDING THE DOOR OPEN FOR ME WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS STOP IT
[grocery store, frozen aisle]
Me: *inhales, stretches arms high*
OmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmClerk: ma’am are you doing yoga?
Me: oh no, I’m just trying to reach dinner peas
The divorce rate is almost at 60%. How does Cupid keep his job with that level of failure?
I always act like I’m so much better than fantasy protagonists but lets be honest I would 100% touch the book of forbidden secrets, even if it did mean accidentally starting the war of the unclean and maybe also releasing the queen of spiders from her endless slumber
If anyone ever saw me trying to zip up my jacket I’m pretty sure they’d make me repeat third grade.
Remember, smoking doesn’t kill people. People who are trying to quit smoking kill people.
Vaccines comes from doctors –> Doctors are part of Obamacare –> Vaccines are BAD #Bible #AmericanSniper
[loud crashes]
Me: What was that?
4-year-old: Nothing.
Me:
4:
Me: OK.
Parenting is easier than it looks.
Her: baby I’m so wet
Aqua-Man: *looks around* are you joking right now
Sometimes you don’t realize how much you say “ooh la la” till they play your 911 call on the local news
If I don’t post proof of my bubble bath…did it even actually happen.
Starting a skydiving school called Active Chuters
Jokes on you, inflation, I’ll never stop buying peanut butter.
lmao babies are so bad at tic-tac-toe I win every time
Guys, if you waste the opportunity to sing Taylor Swift’s “Shake It Off” to other fellas at the urinals, you might as well just use a stall.
Apparently you can build quite a reputation if you go to all the Christian bookshops and ask if they carry Harry Potter.