It’s strange that we say time is a great healer when it kills 100% of people.
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Maybe if you knew Garfield’s parents were murdered on a monday by anti lasagna activists you wouldn’t be so judgmental.
God has left this place
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Nature abhors a vacuum.
Nature isn’t too fond of leaf blowers either. And don’t even get Nature started on car alarms.
Her: You ate that entire bag of fried cheese snacks?
Him: Thought you said they were baked.
Her: I said YOU were baked.
Don’t follow me… I once sat in a traffic jam for 5 minutes getting pissed off while everyone lined up behind me, but I realised they were parked cars
Jesus was the only man to return from the dead and not eat brains.
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
look, men and women are BIOLOGICALLY different. ever since the cave man times boys have loved cars and girls have loved toy ovens
My kid convinced my husband to get her trail mix without the nuts and the dried fruit, so I confiscated the bag of m&ms and ate them myself
(putting my jacket over a woman’s shoulders) I’m actually really cold now haha. It’s ok though. Oh wow it’s super cold. Oh my god
Me: Where can I get a good steak?
Her: Butcher?
Me: *deeper voice* Where can I get a good steak?
Babe, you’re just perfect for me
Except that you’re married, have kids, live 8000 miles away and are probably an obese man
Jack is coming over.
“Jack from work or Jack and the…”
[a beanstalk comes up through the floor and crashes through the ceiling]
Women’s fall fashion is basically coming up with ways to wear a blanket without it looking like you’re wearing a blanket.
I had to bump up my 10am Rice Krispie treat to 9:30. It’s okay. I have a prescription.
Free will is good, but free pizza is better.
cop: *vomits*
detective: first axe murder, huh?![]()
Me: Close your eyes. Give me your hand, darling. Can you feel my heart beating? Do you unders…
Dr:(removes stethoscope) Really? Everytime?
Mimes are known to commit
unspeakable acts.
Of course I regularly eat international cuisine. Only last week I had cyrillic alphabetti spaghetti.
Man, the way these journalists are complaining it’s like they only went to Sochi to use doorknobs and go poop.
“you added a trusted device” I trust all devices. If a device harms me I probably deserved it
If they cancel the Times Square New Year’s Eve Celebration, I feel bad for everyone who misses out on what everyone I know who’s ever been to it describes as one of the worst things they’ve ever experienced.
Rich people in movies apparently can’t drink scotch without telling everyone how old it is.
ZOOKEEPER: So this female python is our oldest snake here at the zoo
ME: *way too loud* A granaconda
ZOOKEEPER: *pulling out his tazer* look away kids
*stomps feet during a tantrum, reaches fitbit step goal*
You’re in a work meeting and your boss asks, “Any questions?”
The answer is always, NO.
I set the automatic reply on my work email to “I don’t negotiate with terrorists.”
Now we wait.
Before marrying him please check the size of his head, things are not funny in the labor room😏
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