It’s such poor planning that “ninja” doesn’t have a least one silent letter.
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[ first day as job recruiter ]
me: {on phone} i have a job at a bank for your wife
him: teller?
me: yes that’s why I’m calling
Husband: *texting me* Any chance we can skip that dinner party tonight?
Me: *already in my pajamas* If that’s what you really want.
The biggest joke of Spongebob is that he can work in a fast food restaurant and still afford to buy a house.
Drove a wedge of suspicion today between the fast food employee at the first window and the one at the second.
Has anyone else noticed what beautiful eyelashes giraffes have, or am I just lonely?
Me: *disappears for a few weeks*
Friends: *No concern*
Me: *Posts inspirational quote on FB*
Friends: Dude, you okay? You need to talk?
At the end of the day, it doesn’t matter how many bowling pins you knock down, but whether or not you got a better score than the children playing in the lane next to you.
(Auditioning to be a bird)
*accidentally walks into a sliding glass door*
DIRECTOR: Wow, she’s really good.
Recently, I’ve been politely refusing all invitations with, “I’d rather drink my own blood.”
ME: this one time me and my friends went camping and-
DATE: “my friends and i”
ME: so this one time me and my friends and i went camping and
Him: Why do you always need the last word?
Me: I don’t.
Him:
Me: I don’t really.
Him:
Me: I don’t! And that’s final.
Him:
Just remember, when the jury is deciding between premeditated murder and manslaughter…
it’s the thought that counts
Sometimes I like to wear a robe to the grocery store, pull out a tape measure, start measuring various vegetables, and let shopper imaginations run wild
Scott Baio: i’m Scott Baio and i endorse Donald Trump
Trump: who the hell is Scott Baio
Scott Baio: you know, Chachi
Trump: say Chachi then
me: (reaches for the bill) no no, i got it
my date, grabbing her stuff to leave my apartment: thank u for paying your own electric bill
thanks for leaving the volume on an odd number all night now I have to sage the house three times to even it all out
Don’t act like you’ve never used a pair of binoculars to try to peer through another pair of binoculars.
“Hi, I’m Rob Thomas for the Organ Donor Association. Give me your heart, make it real or else forget about it.”
I like to wait to board the plane so the person seated next to me thinks they’ll have extra space and then I come in right before the door closes and ruin their lives
Never go to target in a red shirt. I was holding my kid and someone asked for help. Like yea just let me finish stocking the toddlers first.
I imagine the hardest part about being vegan is getting up before sunrise to milk all of those almonds.
Do I look like Christopher Columbus? Am I guiding a ship to a new land? So, when I ask for directions, please don’t use words like “East.”
dating a skinny guy is cool and all until you’re cooking and you accidentally boil him with the noodles
Me: Know any potato jokes?
My husband: What has eyes but cannot see?
My six year old: What has eyes but cannot see? A blind person. That’s so obvious.
Here in the South, we don’t consider a cookout successful unless there’s an ambulance involved.
“Catch me if you can, officer.”
*Seductively winks.*screams as police dog takes me down.
Don’t crossbreed an owl with a duck,
The offspring is naught but a schmuck,
You might start overjoyed,
But you’ll soon be annoyed,
By all the incessant wise quacks.
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
Simply Red’s piano player just couldn’t be arsed
FRIEND: Thanks for letting me stay here while I’m in town
ME: No problem
FRIEND: Do u have a Waffle House nearby?
ME: No they’re all wood