It’s taking my husband like way longer to leave me for a younger woman than movies and tv led me to believe it would and honestly I’m pretty annoyed
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is it earth
Pretty sure I could never successfully get away with a crime. I shed as bad as the cats! 😹
I don’t care if it’s a Hell Hound or not, I’m still going to pet it.
bro: she stressing u out g??
me:
N = Someone
O = Doesn’t
P = Understand
E = Acronyms
can’t see: birdbox
can’t talk: a quiet place
can’t touch: this
ME: Well, time to make like a tree, and leaf.
HER: *giggling* So, my place or…
ME: *starts sprouting leaves from my fingers*
HER: WHAT THE
The squirrels on campus are getting bold. I was eating a pop tart outside and a squirrel came over and stole my credit card information
My dog would have been disqualified if she was in that 100m final because she always goes on ‘ready’, the little cheat.
Jurassic Park taught me not to exploit dinosaur labor.
If anything happens to me and I die, please don’t tell my husband how many times I’ve used garlic powder instead of real garlic.
The Joker furiously scrolling through Batman’s old tweets for anything problematic
me: i just saw a huge rat
starbucks employee: what
me: sorry i just saw a venti rat
employee: omg where
My husband said we need to have an important talk, and guess what it was about? Time Travel. 👍🤣❤️
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I research genomes
Me: *trying to impress* I love those guys, but you know it’s actually pronounced ‘gnomes’
[moth meeting]
Moth: I was thinking, since we all love the light so much why don’t we come out during the day?
Head moth: no, we fly into lamps until we die
Do you know where mansplainers get their water from?
Well, actually…
He loved it so much he walked himself up.
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
Me as a kid: I’m going out in the woods. I’ll be back in 8 hours
My parents: Cool
My kid now: I’m going to a public park with my friend. I’ll be back in an hour, and will have my phone with me
Me: I don’t know – that sounds dangerous.
Me: 5, 4, 3..
Friend who has only 1 kid: “Why are you counting down?? They’re all playing nice.”
Me: 2, 1, 0
Kid 1 {Scream crying}
Kids 2 and 3: “I DIDN’T DO IT!”
Friend: “Oh.”
Imagine if we didn’t have Google and still relied on encyclopedias to find out “Why poop green?”
[Me at doctor’s office]
[thoroughly removes make up]
Me: Ok, weigh me now
Somewhere, a real Nigerian prince is sitting at his computer wondering, “Why oh why does nobody reply to my emails?”
Scenes around 10 Downing Street tonight 😅 Congratulations England, richly deserved 👏🏽🏆 #PAKvENG #T20WorldCupFinal
I wanna be friends with this person
I still remember when my 10th grade English teacher told us we were going to have a special guest FOR WEEKS and then the special guest turned out to be him in a hat.
Date – “so they had no other chairs?”
Me [sitting on an alpaca] “no”
You know who else has a naughty list?
HR
Oh, you love me? Name three of my recent emotional breakdowns