It’s taking this nurse 20 minutes to get my chart ready for the doctor, every few minutes she asks which hand is numb again.
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where do you see yourself in five years?
Dear Abby,
How long should you feel obligated to date someone after they’ve given you the Heimlich?
Today my toddler is crying because he doesn’t have his stuffed animal. That he put in the fridge. And yelled at me for trying to take it out.
PILOT: sorry for the delay, everyone. we’ll make up some time in the air
[1 hr later]
PILOT: it is now 67:91 o’clock guys
My gf told me that I punched her in the face while I was sleeping last night. I apologized because I totally remember being awake for that.
Got fired from the petting zoo for giving the rabbits birth control.
How much longer until we can get pets that are also wifi hotspots?
Digital security in Ancient Troy
Turtles sniff tails to find mates but when I do it, it’s “disturbing” & I “need to leave yoga,” or “at least wait til I’m off the treadmill”
My wife started clipping coupons to help me save money.
She keeps them in the side pocket of her $800 purse.
I heard my 7-yr old daughter yell out “Cue the battleship!” in her sleep & now I’m jealous because her dreams are a lot cooler than mine.
Pretty unfair how gargoyles just monopolized rooftop perches.
[80% of bar rescue eps]
TAFFER: this employee stole $150,000 dollars from you, burned your car, and killed your dog. he says he would happily do it again. what are you gonna do?
OWNER:
TAFFER:
OWNER:
TAFFER:
OWNER:
TAFFER: you’re going to fire him
OWNER: I’m going to fire him
“Hi, its Mom, you may remember me from such hits as ‘Stop Licking That!’, ‘Why Am I Sticky?’, and ‘What Smells Like Pickles?’” -Future me leaving voicemails for my kids
“The name is Bond, Ja-”
– “Savings Bond?”
“No”
– “Chemical Bond?”
“NO!”
– “Autobahn?”
“You know you’re totally ruining this for me”
Based on how I startle when toast pops up, I will never look cool walking away from an explosion.
Took a Pfizer Covid vaccine with a Pfizer Viagra.
Now both arms are sore
I’ve never been #BackToTheFuture , but my mom always used to promise me she’d knock me into next week if I didn’t behave.
I’d pay double for a Roomba that had a “follow child” option
One day you’re young and the next you can’t duck under the garage door without tripping the sensor.
Trains are great for when you need the names of towns screamed at you intermittently over a loud speaker
yo LA chill out with your restaurant names
*puts on winter boots*
*trudges through newly fallen legos*
My teen was complaining he had no clean clothes so I asked him what he thought he should do: “Uh, go buy new clothes?”
Have kids. It’s fun.
“how did people keep up with TV before the internet?” my young friend, we didn’t need phones. if you missed an episode, there would be one person in every classroom the next morning re-enacting the plot like a town crier.
When donuts appear in the breakroom. We cut one in half. We eat half. We return to the breakroom five minutes later and eat the other half. It is the way of our people.
I’m so proud of two weeks ago me for anticipating I would want a ripe avocado today
I can’t have a boyfriend because my clean laundry goes on the other side of my bed.
Just say no
First airplane parts store: The customer is always Wright