@iLikeCatShirts

It’s that pottery scene from Ghost except it’s me standing behind the Subway sandwich artist helping him make my sandwich.

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@WilliamAder

Twitter: You already tweeted that.
Me: I ONLY HAVE TWELVE JOKES.

@stephenjmolloy

<enter password>
ikilledaman
<password must contain a number>
*7 hours later*
ikilled2men

@coketruck76

I was in a band called Click Bait. You won’t believe the kind of music we recorded. Track number 5 will blow your mind.

@ProZD

you know a tweet’s gotten spread around when random catholics get mad at you “PLEASE DON’T GO TO MASS IF YOU’RE NOT CATHOLIC” my..my wife wanted me to go, you turkey, catholic mass is not my go-to choice for a FUN NIGHT OUT

@Holy_Mowgli

[Pixar Studios]
HIRING MANAGER: Your resume says you have prior experience with animation, is that correct?
DR. FRANKENSTEIN: Yes

@ilovecuredmeats

[crime scene]

•detective flips open pocket watch•

Hmmm…precisely what I thought

“What’s that sir”

•closes watch•

It’s lunch time

@XplodingUnicorn

Wife: I’m growing some vegetables.

Me: What if the pig eats them?

Wife: Then I’m growing porkchops.

@cloudypianos

people talk about being able to fold a fitted sheet and I’m like wow there are people who make their bed

@roggyie

For Sale: Wedding Suit, worn only once by mistake..