It’s the 13th anniversary of “Umbrella”. What a good excuse for…
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when you wanna say “sup” in Japanese you say “Konnichiwa”
when you wanna say “sup dawg” in Japanese you say “Konnichihuahua”
:office birthday party:
CW: Would you like to sign the card?
Me: Nah, just here for the cake. Karen will understand.
CW: His name is Joe.
When all you wanted was a good paying job, but now you have to touch base, circle back, dive deep, be more impactful, come up with action plans, utilize your resources, go above and beyond, and piggyback off of what Susan said
A baby is 75% water. So if I walked on babies I’d be 75% Jesus. #SolidLogic
My parents were going to name me after the city I was conceived in but neither of them knew how to spell Albuquerque.
Me: Could I trouble you for a knife?
Waiter, knowing that all they have is 10,000 spoons: I have some inexplicably bad news.
All is fair in drunk and war.
Spoiler alert: Sometimes accountants are boring on purpose because we think it’s funny when we see people’s eyes glaze over.
When it comes to politics I’m an agnostic. I don’t believe there’s an honest politician nor can I prove that one does not exist.
Me: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Informant: why?
Me: for spilling the beans
Informant: I didn’t-
Me: shut your fern gully
Informant: what
Me: don’t give me no sammy jammy
Informant: ok now you’re making these up
Me: *leans forward* looks like we got us a bulbasaur
an emergency cyanide capsule to bite when someone’s about to explain bitcoin
Her: I heard you like to break the rules
Me: [chewing a mouthful of silica packets] you heard right, babygirl.
I shouldn’t have to go to work if it’s rainy. i should get to stare out the window all day like a cat.
9yr old poured milk on the cat. When I asked why he said “He’s thirsty and likes to lick himself.” I couldn’t argue with that.
Men fantasize about me, women want to be me and children obey me!
[wakes up on bathroom rug]
Saw online –
If your family goes to church on Christmas morning, be grateful. This may be your only chance to lock them out of the house.
A nice way to tell someone their breath stinks, “well I’m bored,let’s go brush our teeth” in mid convo
I’d be fine with a ghost living with me if each time a bloody message appeared it was something helpful like YOUR KEYS ARE IN THE FRONT DOOR
(looking up the ending of LOST on wikipedia) ohhhh now i understand. this is a free online encyclopedia
We get it Amazon Prime, everyone relies on moms at the last second too
dad was helping me with my finances and used a moldy orange to represent my credit score 😕
PSA: If you’re about to be arrested, climb to the roof of a nearby court. You are now ‘above the law’ & literally can’t get in trouble ever
I’m buying more booze than ever these days. Wonder if I need an intervention. I’d hate to become a shopaholic.
Great Canadian literature.
I took my kids to the playground and now they want me to push them on the swings. Jesus Christ, haven’t I done enough?
Got kicked off from Instagram for eating my food before posting a pic of it.
I swear, one more minor inconvenience and I’m running away to join the circus.
This forest scent air freshener is really working. Three elk have moved into my living room.