It’s the 20th anniversary of Infinite Jest and the 6th anniversary of my buying Infinite Jest and never getting around to reading it.
You Might Also Like
police sketch artist: you sure his ears were this long
me: i thought we were doing a silly one
I’d like to wish a very happy 5th birthday to the jar of salsa in my fridge
I like to leave odd yelp reviews for fast food restaurants that say things like, “Not overly racist.”
Him: These candles are so romantic!
Me: They’re necessary for my human sacrifice ritual.
#YeaThatsMeInARelationship No, I don’t think we are on the same page.
Brownie points would be better if we could eat them.
“Don’t put all your eggs in one basket” is just a line fed to us by Big Basket.
Them: I haven’t seen you in a long time.
Me: You’re welcome.
I took my 4-year-old to a children’s museum and they switched up the little grocery store. My 4-year-old was not happy. She turned into a 40-year-old woman shopping at her grocery store real quick, “why is everything different? I don’t like it!”
Rating all the Nancy Drew books I’ve read on Goodreads so it looks like I’m smart or something.
“If decorative towels can be a thing then decorative grills can be a thing”
~Me buying a cool looking copper charcoal grill that I don’t really need.
In the 17th century, villagers would burn down entire neighborhoods to combat diseases such as bubonic plague, typhus, and gluten.
[forgetting the phrase “your honor”] not guilty, hammer daddy
Tit for tat is just exchanging one palindrome for another, much dirtier, palindrome.
I’ve broken all my New Year’s Resolutions so now I’m moving on to laws of nature.
you’d think someone who calls themselves a rat-catcher by trade would be more prepared for having a rat thrown at them, just goes to show people aren’t always who they say they are.
Mechanic: Your car needs new brakes to pass inspection.
Me: Are you sure about that? *slides him a half used $10 Starbucks gift card*
The midwest is a crazy place like it’s just corn and corn and corn and corn and then bam, viking restaurant.
Cake is better than sex because cavities are better than babies
Cop: Pull over
Me: you cold bro?
Vet: “I can see the head…
…here’s the neck…
…more neck…
…more neck…
…neck…
…neck…
…neck…
…still more neck…
…neck…
…it’s a giraffe!”
I hope when I inevitably choke to death on gummy bears people just say I was killed by bears and leave it at that.
OPTOMETRIST: Better or worse? Better or worse?
ME: You don’t *have* to talk during sex
Me, a mature adult: hee hee that football announcer said “reach around and squeeze it from the back”.
[a giant killer salmon is attacking the city]
cop: [throws smoke bomb]
me: “all you’ve done is make him extra delicious you idiot”
I’m not sure about accusing someone of wanting to get into my pants. I’d like to see him try. I can hardly get into them myself..
If you don’t agree with someone’s religious beliefs, just dance really hard in front of them like they did in Footloose and they’ll absolutely change their minds
me: why’d you pull me over?
cop: I think you know why
me: it’s my eyes isn’t it
cop: …
me: *sigh* they’re hazel
cop: so mysterious
Why don’t they just get Jehovah’s Witnesses to deliver the mail?
put ‘er there pardner!