It’s the eye of the tiger.
It’s the spleen of a sheep.
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[Job Interview]
How would you describe your time management skills?
Me: Can we talk about this later? I’m late for an appointment.
Why aren’t there new pasta shapes? We should be treating pasta shapes like iPhones, there should be a keynote every year.
Hello I am Tightbeard McShoulderchest and my favourite workout is standing in everyone’s way in front of the gym equipment checking my phone
agenda 4 today:
•shower
•cheerios
•shower-cheerios?
•”hike”
•Photograph a mountain lion
•get mauled by 2nd (hiding) mountain loin
He told me I’m too competitive but I think he’s just jealous I won at that puzzle.
lol so today this bookstore is having what could be its first health & safety inspection in about 258 years and reader I am crying with laughter
they sent a very helpful man who started off super cheery but 1 hour later is acting like he’s trapped in a SAW movie
I was getting mad in traffic earlier and my 3-year-old said “all you can do is calm down and let the cars go” and now I have a therapist.
What is the appropriate age to tell your child that you’ve given up on them?
I saw your link on Facebook.
What happened next will blow your mind…….I didn’t open it.
What if “my anaconda don’t want none unless you got buns, hun” was just Sir Mix-a-Lot saying that his pet snake is a picky eater and prefers bunnies.
My husband says I’m not heavy enough to make an impact when I stand on him to massage him so I now have the perfect excuse to eat all the cake
Getting a dog will not solve all your emotional problems. For that you need four dogs.
Friend: What’s that you’re reading?
Me: “How to Lose Weight By Eating Anything You Want”
Friend: Wow! If you don’t mind my asking, how much have you lost?
Me: $24.99.
My first wife and I split on good terms. I know this because, when I announce the split on FB, she was the first to click LIKE.
if he likes you he will let you know. if he wants to talk to you, he’ll text. do nothing. you’re a beautiful object. pretend you’re a tree
I’m so sick of answering questions about the age difference between my kids, so I’ve started telling people the oldest one came with the house.
A National Treasure where Nicholas Cage has to find the model number on a 15 year old dishwasher.
My wife and I have agreed on a trial separation.
The kids aren’t to keen, but my wife and I just don’t want them anymore.
dog lover: [holding dog] this is my fur baby
me: [holding baby] this is my skin puppy
[baby pushes food away as I try feeding it]
Fine. Die.
My parents bought my kid Guess Who with a timer because it’s important that she learns stress at 4 years old
Why is vanilla a synonym for boring? Vanilla is delicious. Imagine a world without vanilla. It would be so oregano.
There’s black ice out there. Walk slowly with a wide stance while crouching and keep your arms away from your body for balance. I’m not sure if it will keep you safer but it’s funny to think about you walking that way.
“Platitude” is short for “platypus attitude”.
I want a pet donkey that will kick people I don’t like on the command, “huh, interesting”.
FYI, let’s grab coffee is code for “how can I end this conversation as quickly as possible without committing to anything.”
I love when a pig looks like a disguised quest giving god
One day, I hope to give someone a small, very personal item and then gently close their fingers over it
They really missed the ball when they named it Gotham City instead of Wayne’s World.
Wife: We need a mattress.
Salesman: Try them by getting into your usual sleeping position.
Wife: [lays on mattress]
Me: [heads to sofa dept]