“It’s the holidays”
*eats a pizza*“It’s the holidays”
*eats 3 cheeseburgers*“It’s the holidays”
*eats my food, your food & a small baby*
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On a ladder putting a cinema poster up.
Lady said “Is King Kong Coming?”
I said “No it’s just the paste off my brush”
Me: Ugh, I wish I still had a tablet. My phone screen is too small to read books on.
Also me: Guess I’ll read Twitter on my phone for six hours instead…
😏😏😏
You remind me of a nebula. A newborn star Full of energy, color, and completely dense while being unstable.
if dolly were in the holy bible she’d be in charge of parton the red seas.
Read an article that said Google is making us dumber. whatever, I’ve always used Google and I’m super [googles synonym for smart] able.
Blackberry just announced a new CEO, but the most newsworthy part of this story is that Blackberry still exists.
Did someone text back with just “K”? You know what you should do? Stop texting them dumb shit.
Keep an eye on the horizon. (I‘m sending a homing pigeon with a fruit roll-up)
“Everything hurts and I’m always exhausted.”
WebMD: Parenthood
ME: ok i’m gonna tell you some stuff, but only if you promise not to judge me afterwards
JUDGE: no can do
After I mow my lawn, I give my neighbor about 72 hours to respond.
[watching a hunting show even though I have never touched a gun or seen anything bigger than a squirrel in the woods] the elk probably smell them
My eye doctor is alarmingly young and when he said he thought I had a chalazion or a hordoleum I thought he might be referencing Pokémon
This girl just said, “You know that feeling you get when you really really like someone?” and I was all like, “Nope.” and walked away.
the way this pissed me off… 😭
What’s an appropriate gift for a gender reveal party? A personalized fire extinguisher?
What’s it called when your bar is better stocked than your pantry?
Payday
*in hell*
Devil: so what are you here for
Them: I invented ice breaker activities
If I could choose my own superhero origin story I’d be bitten by a radioactive serotonin
Him: *whispering* you still awake
Me: *exhales loudly through harmonica*
King-sized beds: Because you both want to sleep on the same mattress, but not in the same zip code.
Me: *smug* I think you’ll find there’s a big difference between hearing, and listening
Her: that is literally what I just said
I bought an online course to improve my memory but forgot the password to access it
*jolts awake*
*frantically searches around*WAIT A MINUTE!
THIS FEELS LIKE ONLY 47 PILLOWS!
Of course my summer body is ready, it’s the same as my winter body but sweatier.
#ISeeNoPointIn trying to do bunny ears as a joke
Cat: *purr*
Me: Good morning!
Cat: *headbutts me* *purr*
Me: Aren’t you the sweetest thing!
Cat: *kneads me* *purr*
Me: Yes, I love you too!
Cat: *plots my gruesome death* *purr*
You couldn’t make The Godfather today. It’s almost midnight, and making films takes ages.
An eye exam where the optometrist makes you read a menu under dim lights.