It’s the last month of school, here are 97 activities in the middle of the day parents need to attend.
-elementary schools
You Might Also Like
Why would a married man buy a hearing aid?
A person followed me and then unfollowed me within 3 minutes. How can they judge me after only seeing 47 tweets?
WHEN YOU’RE A GHOST, YOU CAN:
1. Float through walls!
2. Find a body in the wall!
3. Wait, that’s you.
4. But then who did they bury in your grave?
5. Solve mysteries!
Mom Math:
If Child A has 2 scoops of ice cream in his bowl, and child B has 1 3/4 scoops, how many days will Mom have to hear about it?
Its really disgusting how other white people dont even know about the plight of [quickly wikipedias “Who is having alot of plight 2012]
Tired of true crime podcasts? Then check out my fake crime podcast. In the next episode I go into detail about how back in 1997, my grandma was mugged by a rhinoceros.
I’ve been walking around with a fish-eating grin ever since I got an emotional support piranha.
My schedule can get pretty packed – that’s why I like to use Google calendar to keep myself organised. For example [scrolls down for45 seconds] December 25th is Christmas Day
My favorite Disney princess is Ariel. Gotta love a woman who can’t talk for half the movie.
Wife: We’re going to Jessie’s BBQ today.
Me: She’s the one with the big—
Wife: They’re fake!
Me: So?-liveTweeting from the DogHouse
Me: *looking through a telescope*: Wow, the universe is so beautiful
God: *placing hands inside black holes*: Thanksssss, it has pockets
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Her: I’m a stay at home mom
Me: *leans in close* then what are you doing outside of that house
brain: did we get anything done this weekend?
me: no
brain: ok then at least we relaxed
me: somehow also no
when the solution to your problem doesn’t exist on stack overflow:
I was the most experienced baker at a bread factory. A roll model, if you will.
My IQ score says I’m intelligent. My dating history disagrees.
Every time “Cops” comes on I’m like “PLEASE don’t show my episode.”
Catapult: an ancient military device for hurling large objects
Dogapult: an ancient military device for hurling large objects, fetching them, bringing them back, and hurling them again
Why does the minion look better in a thong than me? and other random thoughts
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy. She was a girl. Can I make it any more obvious?
Me: Yes you could. That is incredibly vague.
If you want to suddenly be surrounded by small children & animals, crinkle a candy wrapper.
I like my jims slim and my chances fat
WIFE: I love you
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: Actually it’s just emotional comfort after years of being toget-
WIFE: *packing* I’ll be at my mothers
Me: you say your dog’s a boxer?
Friend: yeah
Me: [eyes narrow] how does he lace his gloves up?
“hey! so sorry for the delay on this!”
– me praying for the first time in over a decade
[first day as a mechanic]
ME: i would say this car is haunted
[i witness a crime]
COP: we’ll need you to come down to the station and make a statement
ME: ok
[at the station]
ME: a hotdog is a sandwich
Im at the swamp does anyone need anything
I don’t know if hand sanitizer actually works but it sure as hell lets you know where the broken skin is hiding
*puts bread in toaster* hmm something strange about the toaster today
Duck(from in toaster): no there isnt