It’s the little things that show you care. When she makes my sammich I always ask her if she wants a bite.
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Always look both ways before crossing a woman.
I need 52 continuous 7 day weekends
wife: maybe you should start working out again
me: [literally sweating from trying to open a can of pringles] why
Your baby looks the same as it did yesterday.
Me, commenting on a Facebook picture.
[road trip]
Child: I spy with my little eye…something with a huge bald spot and-
Me: PLAY SOMETHING ELSE
One of the benefits of eating healthier is that you never have to ask questions like, “Who ate my kale?”
Why does Minnie Mouse wear heels? She is the only female mouse Mickey knows. Pressure’s off, girl. Your boyfriend doesn’t even have a shirt.
[resorting to cannibalism]
My GF: we’ve only been out here for 4 hours!!
Me: he would have wanted us to survive
Me [drunk]: gimme a bloody mary
Employee: sir, this is a haunted house
Me: m’bad. Gimme a bloody mary bloody mary bloody mary
Me: *being possessed* Ew, do you always feel like this?
Someone found my missing homemade scarf, but they’ll only let me have it back if I pass a pattern- knitty test.
The worst part of eating dessert is when it’s interrupted by the nagging thought that it’s not healthy for you. So I eat really fast and beat the thought completely.
If you hide the Easter eggs while you’re drunk, nobody knows where they are
Fun fact: zombies actually walk normal when they’re drunk
My first time driving a stick shift I popped the clutch and ran over a smallish apple tree and I’ve applied that same can-do attitude with its inevitable destruction to every endeavor in life.
The only thing I know about Downton Abbey is that everyone looks as if they smell like the bottom of my Nana’s purse.
My phone battery dies faster than a black guy in a horror movie.
I like wearing a pullover because the name is also instructions. There’s none of the trial and error that comes with other types of clothing. You just pull it straight over your legs.
What kind of marriage do the people in tv ads have where one spouse surprises another with a car I mean this is a major financial decision
In the theater
Me: Haven’t you ever seen someone stuff their bra before?
Him: Not with tater tots
*pause*
Gimme some.
Hurricane Facebook Events are back y’all
I hope the next Adam Sandler movie has a wacky grandpa who uses “bae” all the time so you guys will stop thinking its funny
I’m going on an all breadcrumb diet because I’ve never seen a duck with a double chin.
How depressed are you on a scale from 1 to “regularly visits song lyrics websites”?
Sometimes I remember the child who approached my counter in the video shop, fell over and disappeared from view, pulled himself back up and said “this cat food’s weighing me down, man” before proceeding to pull five tins of whiskas out of his pockets
*at reading of my will*
Executor: *opens envelope*
‘Ahem…’You selfish, bloodsucking little pricks…’’
Sometimes marriage is about love & compromise other times it’s about letting the garbage get so full & seeing who will cave first.
Going to put a sensor in the kitchen sink so whenever someone puts something in there a recording of my voice will shout DISHWASHER!
You got your ducks in a row. I got my monkeys in a wheelbarrow. We are not the same.
Walk into any flower shop and ask to see the chlamydias. That never gets old.