It’s the man who is supposed to be getting up to make the coffee in the morning. It’s even in the Bible under “Hebrews.”
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We need more insane laws like New Jersey’s “can’t pump your own gas” rule. No tying your own shoes in Delaware. It’s illegal to make your own pancakes in Wyoming. Don’t even try to shear your own sheep in Montana. I dare you to blow up your own balloons in Tennessee
Interviewer: how would you describe your conflict resolution style?
Me: *panicking* coniferous
R – E – S – P – E – C – T
J – K – L – M – N – O – P
If you listen to a Miley Cyrus song backwards you can hear Satan refusing to have sex with her.
I’ve been leaving in 5 minutes for the past 3 hours.
concern
Not to brag on my wife but she doubled our accidental death and dismemberment insurance when I bought a chainsaw.
it may not be my circus, but if I’m being honest… more often than not, it is my monkey
I ordered a $9.00 salad on a food delivery app. That’s $57.00 I’ll never see again.
Dollar Tree pregnancy tests.
For when you only want to be 35% sure.
Shout out to all you people out there who get asked if you’re okay a lot even though that’s the only facial expression you have.
my sister took her 4 yr old to adopt a pet kitten and she immediately ran to the black one, picked it up and held it to her face as she said, “i’m a witch now, i can’t wait until school tomorrow.”
i’m afraid for whoever crossed her at preschool
ariana grande looks like she was designed in a lab by japanese perverts
This is my last day in my 30s. Please send thoughts and prayers… or money. That helps too.
Never know who you’ll run into at the gas station!
“Stop texting me. If I wanted to go on the second date, I wouldn’t have stolen all your jewelry.”
[first date]
her: do u like cats or dogs better
me: [looking at menu] what page are u on
Horror movies have given me an unrealistic expectation about finding an armoire with a false back where a ghost lives.
Just walked in front of my cat’s screen while he was on a zoom call.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why is the fattest holiday character the one that goes down the chimney?
1985: imagine what school photos will be like in the future
2022 (the future): adds one neon laserbeam and one fake bookshelf background to cart
if there’s something that needs to be picked up off the floor, I think to myself “do I really need it that bad” and most of the time the answer is “no” so I just leave the baby there
Assistant: Uh sir? Your personalized jean jacket is very cool but it looks like the store screwed up. It says STAN on the back.
Satan: WHAT
[first day as astronaut]
*vomits
Me: That’s normal, right?
Instructor: Not during a written exam, no
“You’re just not my cup of tea” I say to someone else’s cup of tea.
Then there were 3 sets of footprints & God said “This is Deb. She answered my Craigslist ad & U r the one who said we should try new things”
Hey doofus, the fashion police called.
Your father died last night on duty.
He wanted you to have this.
“Slim fitting houndstooth peacoat*
If I worked at a wax museum, I think a good joke would be to put a wick coming out of all of their heads.
Hub: What’s this?
Me: A divorce jar. Every time we fight you put a dollar in & I’m a little closer to freedom.
Hub: *puts $100 in*
Me:…