It’s the “roaring 20s” again so I’m going to take inspiration from the Great Gatsby and continue to not have read any books since high school
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You catch more bees with honey, but I don’t want any bees. Seriously, if I could have all the bees, I’d want exactly zero bees.
If you fear that a giraffe has killed your wife and stolen her identity, these are the signs to look out for:
Waiter: Dessert’s on me.
Me: *leaning close* Where on you, Jeremy?
I try to explain to my kids during the movie that in reality, even a cowardly lion would eat a girl and a little dog.
Alex: A ship that has sunk
What is my relationship?
Alex: No sorry tha-
[glares at wife] I’ll take YOU RUINED MY LIFE KAREN for $800 Alex
Being a parent is hard work, but it’ll all be worth it when I need donors for a new liver.
Which brand of vacuum cleaner would make the coolest birthday present for the wife?
If you love something, set it free
If you hate something, do origami
If you’re hungry, go watch a movie
I don’t understand how advice works
Me: *hanging off a cliff*
Kids: Mom! Mom! Mom! Mom!
Me: Oh thank goodness! Kids, go get-
Kids: What’s for dinner?
In relationships, it’s important to pay attention to the person’s likes and dislikes. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled.
Lifehack: dress your young children in the colors of the food you are serving them to avoid outfit changes.
Sure, I could live a pious life so St. Peter lets me through the Pearly Gates. Or I could just crawl under the gate since IT SITS ON A CLOUD
[my funeral]
sister: did you know about this?
mom: [watching my pallbearers dressed like the ninja turtles carry my casket] it’s what he wanted
I was voted ‘Worlds Worst Bartender’ for my very unpopular tuna daiquiris.
Me: this pot sucks
Wife: *surrendering any remaining hope of future joy* no the other kind of pot roast
5-year-old daughter: Barbie is mad at Ken.
*pushes their faces together*
Me: Did they kiss and make up?
5: No. She headbutted him.
[death row]
Guard: alright tough guy one last meal
Me: a cyanide pill
Guard: what? no we want to kill you!
Me: too bad
Guard: aw man
{response at rap battle}
Nice try but my Mom isn’t even flexible so it’s impossible that really took place.
If you tell someone “nice shirt” and they don’t look down at it you’re talking to a robot.
me: would you like beans?
3: no
me, trying to instill manners: no…what?
3: no beans
I didn’t see San Andreas because I heard there’s not a scene where a therapist tells the seismologist, “It’s not your fault.”
kanye west: beyoncé is the best there is & she’s one of the few true artists of our generation
me:
kanye:
me: how did u get in my room again
Women in romance books: I know I just met him 3 days ago but I am in love with him.
Me: We’ve been dating for 8 years and I guess I like you.
I hate the crossword. If someone asked me in person to name “Someone getting dressed for lunch?” and then they smiled wryly and said “salad” I would ruin their life
You ever been talking to someone and go to lean on a wall that’s like 3 inches further away than you thought
Starbucks needs a separate line for people who say “um”
dating a tall girl is cool until you make her mad at a picnic and she steps to the other side of the river
To establish dominance around the dinner table have everyone watch you eat the crust off of their pot pie before serving it to them.
CNN just wondered if I’m sending disasters to punish you for your sins. No, I’m sending them to punish you for CNN.
Overheard: “I think that guy is listening to us.”