it’s the silliest best thing
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Twelve years ago today, my brother gave me one of his kidneys. I still can’t believe that he did it. I wasn’t even sick.
My 5yo made me a zombie card with – what I am told are – a line of zombie GRAVES at the bottom.
GRAVES.
If anyone finds a twenty dollar bill, it’s mine.
*wakes up, peers outside*
*closes dumpster lid and goes back to bed*
We now return to ‘CANADIAN SNIPER’
*canadian sniper shoots an enemy*
*canadian sniper yells ‘sorry’ from far away*
Son (pointing): “Daddy what’s that?”
Me: “that’s a goat.”
Son: “Why?”
Me: …
My wheelchair keeps making a screaming noise when I run over people.
[watching nature documentary]
*hawk kills mouse*
That’s so amazing.
*hawk kills lizard*
I could watch this all day.
*hawk kills bunny*
MURDERER! *turns off TV*
roommate: do u have any shaving cream
me: no it tastes gross
roommate: you eat shaving crea-
me -no why would i eat it if it tastes gross
Opera is what happens when someone stabs you and instead of dying, you sing.
Did you know that there is a little lonely man inside automatic towel dispensers that gives you a towel because he’s happy you waved to him?
The elevators aren’t working and I work on the 10th floor.
I just may become the first person ever to call in sick from the security desk.
No one goes to target because they need something. You go to target and let target tell you what you need.
If pulled pork is pulled apart, can we call sausages “pushed pork?”
2020: I’m so glad I stayed home. That coughing guy had COVID and made everyone sick.
2021: I hope that coughing guy doesn’t have COVID that will make me sick.
2022: I hope that coughing guy has COVID but the same variant that I had last month so he won’t make me sick.
My dream of making Playboy gone, so my best bet is National Geographic photographing me naked, carrying water on my head.
If my dad were alive today he would say, “Mark stop telling people I’m dead”
i hate it when my daughter is suddenly nice to me because I know it’s just a first calculated step in impending negotiations
I want to open a pizza shop called “Cheesus Crust!” Our slogan will be: “Heavenly ingredients, served hot as Hell.” -or- “Crust has risen.”
They say nothing rhymes with orange. I must be pronouncing it wrong.
I did not ask for this, the TikTok algo is giving me overweight people whose spouses cheated on them with their apparently thinner siblings, followed by weight loss and reconciliation with their terrible spouses? I just want step-dancing videos ffs!
Nickelback jokes are the Nickelback of jokes.
Me: I love eating nerds
Boy: (brings me Nerds candy)
Me: no, not that kind.
One of the most effective forms of birth control is assembling furniture together as a couple.
Getting ghosted would be awesome if it meant that your Tinder date was simply replaced by an actual ghost and instead of awkwardly sipping a coffee, you had to work with the ghost to solve a series of riddles to figure out how they died.
Who called it a vasectomy and not a cull de sack?
i’m lonely just not “inventor of the boomerang” lonely
Years ago, I worked for a company that sold sandwiches in airports. I once got a complaint email that someone’s chicken cordon bleu sandwich was missing the chicken. I replied that “cordon bleu” was French for “not there”, and I haven’t felt that level of job satisfaction since.
The only phrase you need to learn in any foreign language is, “I know you guys are talking shit about me!”
I had a boyfriend once….right up until the moment my dad asked him “so what do you do?” and he replied your daughter.
He’s Dead.