It’s the weekend, baby! Time to sit in my neighbor’s tree and make bird noises
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Social distancing requires a good supply of air horns.
STAGES OF WORKING FROM HOME
– Yay I get to work from home
– It would be nice to talk to people
– I hope that pigeon sits in the window today
The aliens can learn about the human body the same way I did. Playing Operation.
everyone’s following their dreams while I’m over here happily following a food truck
She- get lost
Me- *jumps in her wardrobe*
how come some families are all, like, “we’re direct descendants of many important historical figures,” & my family is all, like, “that raccoon is your uncle cletus.”
My kid is having a rock sale at the park because ‘everyone sells lemonade but no one sells rocks’.
Me: I’m in the thick of a lovely assortment of perimenopausal symptoms; my body now has the ability to go from zero to inferno in a matter of seconds.
Telemarketer: I’ll just go ahead and put you on the do-not-contact list.
NURSE: I promise. It’s ok. You can come in.
MAILMAN (trembling): are..are you sure
DR DOG: *locked in his office just going freakin nuts*
Sometimes the trash takes out itself. Unfortunately, it usually runs its stupid mouth first.
In the 2020 Little Mermaid, Ariel decides to stay underwater.
[at Dr. appointment]
Dr.: yeah looks like you have too much acid in your diet.
Me: JESUS CHRIST DOC YOUR FACE IS MELTING
The first guy to ever throw water at girl in a white shirt probably broke the record for the number of high-fives received in one minute.
“You’re more likely to be killed in a car wreck than eaten by a shark.”
The shark made a convincing argument, so I got out of the cage.
one time my cousin Dom hit a baseball so hard it tore a hole in the space time continuum and I caught it two years earlier
Lifehack: dress your young children in the colors of the food you are serving them to avoid outfit changes.
RIP Medusa you would’ve hated selfies.
My 16 yr old has a mandatory sophomore Catholic school retreat that lasts 24 hours. No phones allowed. His argument against going, “I just can’t.”
Me, “It’s tradition. Even I did it. All your siblings did it. Nothing can stop it. Absolutely nothing. Period.”Coronavirus: LOL.
Me: Hey look in the water, there’s a bloodstained oar
Friend: That’s foreboding
Me: Damn it Gary I know what they’re for, stop patronizing me
Funny how the more time we spend at home, the more we look like homeless people.
What I like about greyhounds is that they look like they evolved specifically to fit their snoots into tall and narrow pickle jars.
Amazing how each of the kids in Willy Wonka was written to represent a different deadly sin: pride, gluttony, sloth, chewing gum until you become a blueberry, greed, etc.
me: ok so it’s a movie about a scientist who builds a zoo that contains prehistoric horses with long necks..
movie exec: i’m not sure that..
me: ..we’ll call it Giraffic Park
movie exec: ok first of all, i love it..
Who the hell is responsible for the abbreviation of “pounds?”
Mama Bear: Ok but last time
Papa Bear: Thanks, babe
[she puts on a Goldilocks wig]
Mama Bear (falsetto): I can’t sleep here! It’s toooo hard
Have you ever considered, that if there is a God, same sex attraction was created to prevent the overpopulation of unloved children? I have.
People say I’m not very responsible, when in fact I’m responsible for “pajama casual” being added to the employee handbook as inappropriate.
You people who pull back the shower curtain checking for psycopathic murderers … if you find one, what’s your plan?
Normalize asking the spelling bee moderator to use it as a safe word. Wait huh
MARY: Your welcome…
JON: It’s “you’re” welcome.
MARY: …is overstayed.