It’s the year 2057, humans are shaped like candy canes from years of looking down at their phones. Striped-clothing is always in fashion.
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A vampire can’t enter your home without being invited. But that doesn’t apply to sheds. (One of those bloodsucking pricks stole my weedwacker last week.)
This is joyous. Go to any YouTube video. Pause it. Click anywhere outside the video and then type 1980. Now defend yourself.
When a really horrible person dies I always like to think of it as them being recalled.
“I hope to find you well.”
I’m sure I had one dug somewhere on my vast estate.
boss: you’re fired
me: [pausing tiktok] why
Flight attendant: Can I get you something to drink?
Me: What kind of gravy do you have?
Autoerotic asphyxiation? No thanks, I’m not much of a car guy.
In Texas you’re allowed to shoot someone just for being on your property. Man if I lived there I’d host sooo many parties
I don’t believe in all your ghosts, crystals and astrology hocus-pocus unless I have a shot at you. In which case, I’m a Gemini and, my god, your aura is transcendent.
Sorry neighbor who’s choking to death, my cat’s resting his little head on my leg.
This, like, never happens.
Startup idea: a gym named Resolution that runs for the 1st month of the year, collects subscription fee, then converts to a bar named Regret
To make space in prisons, judges are now sentencing low-risk offenders to pick up a few things at IKEA during the week before college starts
If I lived in Alabama, I’d name my daughter, ‘Banjo-lina”.
Just saw a bird walking down the side of the road & yelled out my window, “YOU CAN FLY, YOU STUPID BIRD,” because I am a mature adult.
*Opens a window and the wind blows 42 corndogs from my desk.*
“Oh no! My research!!”
Valentine’s Day in a cardiac surgeon’s house
Wife opening cooler: this had better be chocolates
I want to be a pilot, but mostly so I’d have an excuse to tell passengers, “Where we’re going, we don’t need roads.”
I’m starting to think YouTube hasn’t done a very good job of raising my children.
Ex: Do you ever think of someone else when we have sex?
Me: No, it’s always George Clooney.
Me to my kids: don’t ever lie
Me serving any kind of meat: it’s chicken
Today’s homeschooling Google searches:
I don’t mean to brag but HR told me no one had ever eaten everyone’s lunch before as a reason to fit their own food in the fridge.
I always sharpen my guest bed of nails before my mother-in-law comes to visit.
Asked a guy if I could pet his dog and he said “my wife is coming back in a minute.” Sir I am ONLY interested in your dog but it’s kind of reassuring that NONE of us knows how to function in public anymore
Apple announces iPhone bug that allows it to be hacked with a single click, in a ‘more intuitive and natural way than an Android bug’.
If I were the tooth fairy I wouldn’t leave any cash, just a note that says I’VE TAKEN YOUR TEETH
The first rule of Oedipus Club: mum’s the word.
Me, first week as a volunteer firefighter thinking we only rescue cats: We’re going where?
Crazy that in 2017 auto-flush toilets still can’t distinguish between someone who’s peeing and someone crouching down to get a sip of water.