It’s time to clean the refrigerator when something closes the door from the inside…
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How much for the sentient racist skeleton?
“Sir, that’s Ann Coulter…”
shoutout to whoever hacked my doordash account and sent $140 worth of wingstop to my address instead of theirs
Precious was concerned about how long it was taking to make a snack choice.
Every day can be sparkly if you stick a fork into a socket.
Not really sure why I have a Google Home, it’s only inadvertently used by people on my TV.
I didn’t realize how much of parenting is yelling “It’s not a touchscreen!”
Every now and then something happens on TikTok that transcends social media and becomes a *work of art*
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person says: hi
Them: what part of your morning routine takes the longest ?
Me: finding the will to get up
Interviewer: Any special skills?
Me: Eclairvoyance.
Him: I don’t understand.
Me: There’s a box of donuts in your desk
Him: YOU KNOW TOO MUCH
I’ve just found a mole on my shoulder.
I don’t know how he got out of the garden but he’s cute.
him: damn girl you’re hot
me (menopausal): I know. it sucks
me: *cooking 47th meal of the day*
my kid: mom, let’s pretend the kitchen is a restaurant
me: *eye twitch intensifies*
Had to quit my Uber Eats job, turns out they keep track of how many orders you report “flew out the window,” and “all of them” is too many.
goals for 2016:
1) spend more time with my son
2) learn about his fav video games
3) defeat him
4) become video game household champion
Noah had a younger brother called Rick who just built a speedboat and saved 9 cheetahs
Just hired a dirtying lady. About to watch her and my cleaning lady fight it out.
Him: What long nails you have!
Me: All the better to capture your DNA with if you murder me.
*dating is easy
My boss told me to have a good day. So I went home
I’d rather be liked than loved. When you disappoint a girl who likes you, she’s less likely to make a pact with Lucifer to destroy your life
Sometimes I wanna comment on a photo on Facebook but then I don’t wanna have to explain why I’m in your ‘Random Party Pics 08’ album at 4am.
Fifty shades of grey is my favourite movie about English weather.
mom: everyone has to learn to swim
kid: even jesus?
mom: of course
jesus: *sliding across the pool in heelys* lying’s a sin, brenda
I just spent the day painting our fence. All I know is tomorrow I better be able to do karate.
Not many people know this but if you just start crying, the customer service rep will just do what you asked
every For Him gift guide is just like “have you considered sock?? what about TOOL??“
Not usually a big fan of God, but I have admit telling Cruz to run for president then making him lose to a reality TV clown was an A+ prank.
I’ve watched “Aladdin” like 25 times with my kids, so I know quite a bit about politics in the Middle East.
I’m off to a 3yr olds party. There’ll be tears, tantrums and throwing up on the carpet. But enough about me, Im sure the kids will have fun.
Yes. these are prescription Oreos.