It’s time to play “Is My Kid Hugging Me or Cleaning His Nose or Both?”
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You guys, I just submitted a tweet to Twitter, and they accepted it and put it on their website!
My foot just now fell asleep which means I’ve finally gained its trust.
Everyone likes the guy who won’t tolerate bullshit until it’s your bullshit.
I’m crying im so happy for them
[two female cops come to arrest me but I am hiding in the men’s bathroom]
Haha
“What do we do?”
I can’t grab a drink with you after work. I am limiting my liquids since I am wearing a jumpsuit
[Me in hospital bed]
My wife: How is he?
Dr: He was dead for 15m
Wife remembering “Til death do us part” in our wedding vows:*pumps fist
The first person to see a sunset was probably like well this ain’t good.
Me (internally): Please say bedridden, please say bedridden…
Dr: You look great! See you again for a check up next year.
Me: sigh
After killing a spider I wrap the web around his neck and hang him from the wall to make it look like a suicide.
Me: How do I beat the bully?
Dad: Just punch him
Me: I am not doing that
Dad: Or grow up, work hard, and be more successful and popular than him
Me: So like an uppercut?
5yo: OMG I’M STARVING I NEED TO EAT I’M GONNA DIIIIIEE!!
*eats 3 fries*
5yo: Can I be done?
Just once I’d like to meet a person whose job is to make captchas so I can slap him in the face for making my life difficult.
cats are the best because you can pet one while you’re talking to someone and look totally evil
SciFi Future:
Everything beeps and blinks.Actual Future:
How do I make everything stop beeping and blinking?
My kids’ school sends home so much artwork I’ve had to buy 8 refrigerators since September.
I feel I’ve done my best to tolerate lactose long enough.
Me: You and your brother need to stop arguing
Daughter: If we do, he and I will join forces and become more powerful than you can imagine.
Me: Uh, good point. As you were.🙄
I said I was thinking about you. I left out the part with the wood chipper.
Travel anxiety is like regular anxiety but with even more baggage
My oldest chicken is going through henopause
I’m starting an eraser company and looking to get the word out
Me: The worst thing about quarantine is that I’m running low on hot sauce.
BFF: Why you lying?
So embarrassing when you leave the bathroom and someone points out you have toilet paper stuck to your teeth.
I went to church today just to thank God I’m not Miley Cyrus.
Friend: are you mad?
Me: what no
Friend: you look mad
Me: I have 4 kids it’s just my face
But the snozzberries taste like snozzberries.
Remember back when you thought the movie “Idiocracy” was a satirical comedy instead of a documentary?
It’s like 10000 spoons when all you need is a castle surrounded by a mote filled with 7-11 nacho cheese
Million dollar idea: App that mutes all crying babies, barking dogs, and car horns in movies.