“It’s time to turn over a new leaf.”
– Adam & Eve on laundry day
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To those that put something in a closet, close the door, hear something crash and walk away.
You are my people.
At 7:00am I dropped my nail file on the floor, so I squatted down to pick it up… And at 7:20am I finally got up!!!
Finished building birdhouse. Bird couple coming by tomorrow. In their price range.
EMINEM: his palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy
WEB MD: cancer
wow my top song this year was my upset tummy sounding like a car driving on gravel
Fear does not exist in this dojo, does it?
NO, SENSEI!
Gluten sensitivity does not exist in this dojo,does it? Put your hand down Aiyden
TWO hops this time?
In this economy?
Don’t bring a knife to a gun fight. Also, no outside food, they are so strict about that.
Going to a baby shower and I’m real nervous, do they just kind of pour down on you? If you catch one do you have to keep it?
My new dry-erase whiteboard can be
summed up in one word : “remarkable”
Day 126 with no sex. I’ve lost hearing in my right eye
I heard that no real accountants were consulted during the filming of the new movie The Accountant. They want the movie to be entertaining.
She : Drink responsibly..!
Me : Responsibilities are the reason why I drink.
Judas: *Betrays Jesus with a kiss*
Gospel Writers: Alright, no more kissin dudes
Normalize bringing 30 days of corn rations on first dates
“Dave’s coming for dinner tonight.”
“Dave from work or Dave who misquotes Disney…?”
[from outside]
“…hakuna banana.”
You gotta Snapchat, dm, and text your girl all @ the same time. That way if you piss her off in 1 convo, you still have two lives left.
I briefly stepped away from social media to get an idea of what else is going on in the world. For instance, I didn’t realize I was still married.
Her- um.. why are you wearing a Darth Vader mask?
Me- you said lets do Yoda together
H- I SAID YOGA YOU DOPE
M- VERY WRONG I WAS
My husband just started assembling a bookshelf so I guess we’re fighting now.
I’m ready to talk trash, okay who recycles?
Villain: We meet again, Mr. Bond
Bond: You don’t remember my 1st name do you
Villain: Sure I do. It’s uh..
Bond: C’mon this is our 3rd fight
A cup of tea in the morning and I’m ready to start my day. A cup of tea in the morning from my I Moose Wake Up mug and hell, I’ll start your day too.
Were PacMan and Ms.PacMan married or brother and sister? Have some fanfic that’s either really awesome or really disturbing riding on this.
Dog: can i eat this?
Me: no i was just-
Dog: [swallowing] thanks
Stood up by two different men, two days in a row… what’s a girl gotta do to get a quote on a new roof these days.
I just tried to start my car with my phone. You should know that my car has a keyless ignition. I’m pretty.
So my kid secretly recorded me driving and singing and put it on social media if you needed to know how important birth control is today.
genie: you have 3 wishes
cat: i want to go out
genie: ok
cat: and back in again
genie: done
cat: and back out again
genie: ffs
16: ‘Why do you drink wine every night?’
Me: ‘They say a couple glasses is good for your heart.’
16: ‘Is that why you’re using two glasses?’