It’s too bad you unfollowed me, I was about to propose.
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I feel like trying new things in bed. Like getting up for instance.
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
In High School I was pretty popular with all the boys.
I was known as “Hey, will you ask your friend if she likes me?”
I don’t think mall Santas should be allowed to have fake beards. Like come on Man, you’ve got one job!
Teacher: this is an E
Kid: what if it’s an F behind an L
T: no it’s just an E
K: how can u be sure
[3 am]
T: *wide awake* how can u be sure
Him: I’m a morning person
Me *scared of werewolves* w…what are you at night??
If you don’t think government is inefficient and wasteful, explain how the Census Bureau has been around so long yet we still use Fahrenheit
most embarrassing email exchange I ever had:
– Sent an email
– They replied & called me “Mautice”
– I reply with a stink about how my name is properly spelled and that it’s actually really important to me
– They told me to check my 1st email
– I had misspelled my own name
*Cracks knuckles*
“Time to solve an international conflict with the worst takes you’ve ever seen in your life”
Just ruined $387 worth of blinds in the house but that fly is dead.
Which undead creature most enjoys playing hide-and-seek?
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A wherewolf.#happyhalloween
9 yo: Mom, please don’t put cheese in my lunch today.
Me: Too late. Havarti packed it.
9 yo: MOM
A funny thing about the Heimlich Maneuver is that it’s impossible to pronounce if you’re choking.
Congrats u survived pandemic so your reward is World War III
Got kicked out of the grocery store again for re-enacting the pottery scene from Ghost with a wheel of cheese.
I dunno, maybe don’t play Unchained Melody on the loud speaker and we won’t have this problem.
When you stumble across a penny on the ground it can mean several different things:
*a deceased relative is trying to get your attention
*you’re headed in the right direction, keep going
*someone dropped a penny
If sex with 3 people is a threesome and sex with 2 people is a twosome, now I understand why they call you handsome.
“Pharaoh, we have completed the pyramids. They align to communicate with the galaxy”
Sweet. Hey look at these stupid cats I drew LOL
He may be a red flag factory but the building is nice.
movie idea: Dracula, but he’s allergic to blood, so he gets diarrhea a lot (movie loosely based on my relationship with dairy)
Most drug-sniffing dogs refuse to admit they have a problem
*eats half a banana then stubs the bit that’s left in an ashtray*
If you guys don’t keep a child-sized oar in the car to row past slow drivers I’m not even sure you’re livin’ right.
Sorry I ate your baby but you shouldn’t have wrapped it like a burrito.
Even Benjamin Button would feel old by the time 2020 finally ends.
Me: We should do more traveling this year
Bank account: Like as an Uber driver?
Wife: Sometimes women like bad boys.
Me: Well I just replaced real garlic in this recipe with powdered garlic.
Wife: *fans herself*
My wife’s driver license should say “Brain Donor” because she gives me a piece of her mind daily.
wife: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i speak so quietly?
wife: well you could at least say something