It’s true I hear voices in my head but they speak Russian so I have absolutely no idea what they’re saying
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yes lassie?
“bark”
Timmy’s in the well and you pissed in my slippers and you told me about Timmy first so I wouldn’t get mad
“bark”
smart
I don’t care how much candy he offers you, kids, do NOT get out of Billy Ocean’s dreams and into his car.
Me trying to reach for my goals
M: there are so many castles for sale in France!
H: but you wouldn’t know anyone there
M: that’s the best selling point there is!
I suffer from a rare condition called OCDC, which forces me to salute all of those who are about to rock.
*looking at a picture* Wow, you have beautiful children!
Thank you, they came with the frame.
I’m glad my bed can’t speak because it has seen me in some weird positions
Me: Ugh, I’d rather die.
Bartender: Literally nobody said anything.
Cop: get down!
Me: *starts dancing*
Cop: *shoots at my feet* FASTER
Govt: How many dependents do you have?
Me: 7
Dependents: [dogs in baby clothes]
Listen to your instincts. Your gut is always right. It may be a little bloated sometimes…but it’s right.
If hotels can skip the 13th floor why the hell can’t we skip Mondays?
I’d have an extra 16 hours of free time every single day if I lost my phone!
Trying to imagine what it’d take for me to yell at a server. Like if I ordered an omelette and they brought me a bowl of rats? But I’d probably still just be like “I’m sorry, you seem to have brought me someone else’s bowl of rats.”
Them: Can you describe yourself in five words?
Me: Stay at home couch accessory.
[In football huddle]
“What do you guys think happens when we die?”
The best thing about parenting babies and toddlers is that you can dress them up as like, a croissant for Halloween, they don’t give a shit.
[watching TV on couch]
Me: Think you’ve got enough blankets on you? I can’t even see you, ha ha.
Her: …
Me: I said, do you think you have enough blankets on you?
Her: …
Me: I’m just talking to a pile of blankets, aren’t I?
Pile of blankets: …
I keep trying to lose this last 180 pounds but he refuses to leave.
My kid got invited to a birthday party and I don’t like that kid’s mom so I bought a musical instrument set that includes a drum, a recorder, and a harmonica. I’ll see you in hell, Bethany.
Gonna replace my friends’ hand sanitizer with lube and watch them rub their hands together for an hour while it doesn’t evaporate.
ever since my girlfriend moved to Alaska she seems cold and distant
If you’re still trying to decide on your plans for Easter weekend, ask yourself “What would Jesus do?” and definitely don’t do that.
Wile E Coyote: I can’t get rid of this headache
*TNT explodes*
*anvil drops on his head*
*bus flattens him*
Dr: it’s probably stress-related
“There will be blood” is my favourite movie about hoping you get your period after the condom broke.
me: *knows girls like nerds* I read a lot
date: what kind of books?
me: *knows girls also like jocks* heavy ones
4 out of 5 dead husbands agree that last casserole tasted really strange.
The happiest dog I ever saw was a golden retriever trotting up the street one morning with an entire pizza hanging from his mouth.
It was just before camera phones were widespread. I parked my car and watched him, then continued on to work.
I was a far more confident parent when I didn’t have any kids.