It’s uncool to be religious. It’s uncool to be atheist. If someone asks what you believe in just say Beyoncé. It’s the only way to be safe.
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my idea of a perfect crime? I’ll show you
An underage sweater walks into a bar for the third time.
The bartender says, “I’m gonna need to see your cardigan.”
It’s too bad you unfollowed me, I was about to propose.
My college kid makes a Hot Pocket nearly everyday, and still reads the directions every time he cooks one.
Remember fellas, always take comfort in the fact that most hot girls are a fuckin pain in the arse
being over 40 is like the movie speed but you can’t drop below 600mg of ibuprofen in your system
lobster: [snapping claws menacingly] FEEL MY WRATH, HUMAN
me: [holding 2 rubber bands]
lobster: ah shit
Door: PULL.
Me: Don’t tell me what to do.
The one time I typed “the” correctly autocorrect changed it to tge
Me: you are chewing your food too slow son
Kid: am doing it faster in my imagination
Me: try faster in real too
Kid: it tastes better in my imagination
other 21 year olds: going on dates, bein cool, having fun
me: trying to become friends w/ the birds outside my house by offering them bread
My kid lost a tooth and the Tooth Fairy doesn’t have anything less than a $20 bill.
This is not the motherhood I envisioned.
*wakes up*
*checks the obituaries*
*sees I’m not listed*
“Well that’s a relief”
You were the hot single in your area the whole time.
My dad said it’s important to carry a compass when I go hiking, in case I ever get lost. I have no idea how drawing perfect circles will help, but I’m not one to question authority.
I was thinking about homeschooling my son next year but he just went into great detail about how mosquitoes use our blood to make honey so I should probably let someone else help out
Losing weight in your 40’s: hahahahahahahahaha
I know they took some creative liberties with ‘Noah’ but I really wasn’t expecting that Prius.
Hahaha this stupid baby on the bus thinks they can cry louder than me
AMERICA: We don’t need the metric system, our measurement system is fine
AMERICAN MEASUREMENT SYSTEM:
Just watched a guy walk into the wall, because he couldn’t decide if he should go left or right. The future of humanity scares me.
Bruce Wayne: hey, how would you like to take a ride in my batmobi—I mean…brucemobile?
Date: uhh
Bruce: my regular normal carmobile
Me: I’m exhausted.
My mom: You look exhausted.
Me: How DARE you.
[tinder first date]
her: oh. I saw your profile picture holding the fish. I just assumed…fish: yeah this happens a lot
[police station]
Cop: *slams fist* YOU’RE THE COPYCAT KILLER!
Suspect: *slams fist* YOU’RE THE COPYCAT KILLER!
Cop: *mumbling* am not.
If you’re out shopping today I’m a size Nordstrom gift card
I want hashbrown pills.
~the guy who invented Tater tots
[cocktail party]
BARTENDER: *pointing at me* Mai Tai?
ME: no, it’s mine…it came with the suit.
Him: The dog ate your take-home final?
Me: Yeah.
Him: So what happened?
Me: Well, a few hours later-
Him: Oh, no.
Me: -he passed the test.
whelp that’s enough instagram for today