It’s unfortunate that our feet can’t taste things because there’s so much potential in flavored socks and crocs.
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at this point space aliens could land on earth on sunday night before the election & we’d all go yeah ok whatever
[creating the Octopus]
Angel: How about a spider in a wetsuit?
God: Weird but I like it. Make it edible.
I really don’t have much respect for those that take drugs and alcohol.
Like Customs, for example.
Who called it a wedding licence and not marry-time law
I like the word “panties” so much I’m going to start using it in place of “cool.” Friend: Check out my new car! Me: Oh man, that’s panties.
I knew this girl, she’s really deep; she’d always find a reason to preach about how size does matter…
8: mommy I want to study pastrami
Me: why pastrami specifically?
8: I’m just super interested in the stars
Me: astronomy you mean astronomy
8: pretty sure it’s pastrami
[watching The Notebook]
Her: Noah wrote Allie a letter every day for a year
Me: I bet each one just said, Hey
I’ll be so happy when 2020 is over in a few years
Tomorrow is Jesus’ birthday. I got him an Xbox. Keeping it at my house until I see him.
The good news is it wasn’t a bug. The bad news is I beat the crap out of a black bean on the floor with my shoe.
I love spending 20 mins wrapping cocktail weiners in croissant dough so the 3yo at the party can take off the ‘crust’ and eat just the ‘hotdog’.
“And the award for best empty chasm goes to…Howling Void!”
HOWLING VOID: [howling]
[first day as a chef]
assistant: why is your hat squeaking
I’m not saying everything has gone to hell since David Bowie, Tom Petty, and Prince died, but…
*gestures at everything*
People always say reading romance novels will ruin dating for you like it’s a bad thing
At my funeral I want a magician to saw my coffin in half or I’m not going.
parents, bringing their problem child to summer camp
I just found panties with pockets and we may be overcorrecting.
I’m on the “Whole Thing” diet. Didn’t eat the whole thing? Boom. Diet.
“You know your addiction is bad when you lie and say you’re at the gym when really you’re out shopping” is the title of my autobiography.
[first day as a cashier]
*intercom* can I get a price check on…die john mustard.
Never let me in your house because I will do stuff like this
I heard a landline ring the other day and I legit thought it was a fire alarm
Me: wow
Wife: *lording over the many amazon boxes* it is a bountiful harvest
scared to check what name she chose
USERS: you’re alienating the people who actually use your product
TWITTER: likes are now florps
USERS: what
TWITTER: timeline goes sideways
I am not the kind of girl you can take home to your wife.
5 year old niece to me: What do you want to be when you grow up?
Me: Let’s not rush things, OK?