It’s very funny to me that in The Wizard of Oz Glinda is like “only bad witches are ugly” five seconds after asking Dorothy if she’s a good witch or a bad witch.
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Me: Can’t. I’m exhausted from all the CrossFit this morning.
Him: It’s pronounced ‘croissant’ & how the hell did you eat the entire dozen?!
To all the boys I didn’t really like but then realized they liked me so I started liking them and then they stopped liking me so it made me like them more.
I tossed and turned so much last night that I woke up with an ab.
Why did they call it bacon fat and not oinkment omg I’m so sorry
[horse walks into a bar]
Bartender: Why the long face?
H: The world is spiraling down the crapper.
BT: You’re supposed to say-
H: Just pour.
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of their music but i was not aware they were using it to lure sailors to a watery grave by dashing their ships against the rocky coast of their island
Me: I hate Valentine’s Day
Some Random Guy: I hate it too
Me: 😍😍😍
WIFE: Stop spending money on stupid stuff
ME: Okay
[later]
WIFE: What the hell?
[dog walks by in a tuxedo]
ME: He’s getting married, Karen
5: What’s for dinner? Probably something gross like last time. So, what’s for gross dinner?
Me: I’m having pasta but I no longer know what you’ll be eating
Yelling at me for warming towels in the oven is not going to get the fire department here any faster.
With all due respect, your kid sneezed on me first.
Dear everyone THE PEEPS ARE MY BABIES please do not eat them. Take them home. Give them warmth and comfort. Allow them to nest beside your TV. Give them your passwords so they can log on to the dark web and order books about witchcraft to summon Cthulhu. Let them swim in the sink
scientist: what do u know about atoms
me: very little
Laura Dern was born 35, she was 35 in Jurassic Park and she’s still 35 today
fortune cookie- You will not die alone but with many many cat…
cat: LOL THAT’S SO YOU!
It’s the 13th anniversary of “Umbrella”. What a good excuse for…
Based on the things my kid will and won’t eat, my cooking is apparently worse than a stale Fruit Loop covered in dog hair.
*lint rolls you awake*
Most women desire someone who makes them laugh and also feel safe, so basically a clown ninja.
The problem is, once you get the bear in a headlock, you’re going to have to let him go at some point and he’s going to be pissed.
Looking through 15’s yearbook:
Me: you’d crack up looking at my high school yearbook from 1995.
8: did they have color pictures back then?
😒
I’d like to wish a very happy 5th birthday to the jar of salsa in my fridge
I’ve never been to a tailgate party, but I once hung out with my grandma and her friends in the bingo parking lot for 30 minutes.
My (32F) husband (36M) wants to start a ‘restaurant for magicians’, and it is tearing our family apart
Oh, you lost your phone and it’s on silent? That’s too bad. If you liked it then you should’ve put a ring on it.
My daughter had a friend who comes over that makes my other kids look less weird. I wish she was here more often.
“Mom, I hate the word, ‘Hemorrhoid’. It’s like a weird planet. Hi,I’m Hemorroidian! Or oh no! A hemorrhoid is headed 4 Earth!” -my 12yr old
the boss has a new hairpiece and i’m trying real hard not to laugh
8 yo, singing quietly to himself “dancing queen, young and sweet, only seven teeth”