It’s very important, every few days, to take a break from social media walk outside and throw up on people in person.
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Hey…quick question, fellas:
Does it still count as leg day if you just shaved them?
We should be able to pick our zodiac sign, like choosing your piece in Monopoly: “Nope I’m not playing today unless I can be the crab or the lion”
[Stares deeply into date’s eyes before going to the bathroom]
“I’ve counted these fries.”
Ann Coulter has managed to stay so thin because the last solid meal she ate was Hansel and Gretel.
judas: hey man want to come out to last supper
jesus: what?
judas: regular supper, we’re having regular supper tonight, are you free
i cannot say the word synonym without sounding drunk.
Jesus: My moms a virgin.
Olive Oil: Well my moms an extra virgin.
I called the fire dept to get my cat out of a tree and they said they don’t do that so I told them them he had a lighter.
BATMAN: Thanks for filling in while Robin is away.
MOTHMAN: *Just repeatedly flying into the bat signal*
Me: “In this day and age, I can summon almost any information I want in the blink of an eye. I’m one click away from all the answers I could ever need. There is no knowledge beyond my grasp.”
Also me: “I have no idea what day it is.”
Have you ever thought about how weird it is that one of your hands is dumber than the other?
How do extroverts know when to leave a party if they don’t have an introvert with them telling them it’s time to go? Do they just stay and make eggs for everyone in the morning? Rent their guestroom? Marry into the family? I have so many questions.
*spends 45 minute drive trying to perfectly crack open my car window*
“are you ok?” no i took the cereal bag out of the box and now it won’t fit back in
I’m no scientist, but if that ebola virus is communicable, that means WE CAN TALK TO IT.
how to have fun when you’re poor
I like my men well-rounded
and sweet
and rich
and available
and covered in sprinkles
wait a minute…
that’s donuts
I like donuts
I like in RPGs when you kill a wild animal and it has, like, $5 and a spoon on it for some reason
Interviewer: How do you explain this 4 year gap on your resume?
Me: That’s when I went to Yale.
Interviewer: That’s impressive. You are hired.
Me: Thanks. I really need this Yob.
Adulthood – Pros: you can eat ice cream in bed. Cons: this will somehow make you sadder.
I’m sure I would have won that werewolf impersonation contest, if only the judges had survived.
[writers’ room for Silent Night]
MIKE: ok so the next line is about describing baby jesus. how would we describe a baby?
JIM [known cannibal]: so tender and mild
MIKE:…….jesus christ jim
Small dog owners: My dog chewed on my favorite pair of shoes.
Big dog owners: Yesterday my dog ate a couch.
Dr. to my 9 yr old son: So you’ll pee in this cup…
*9 starts giggling
Dr.:
9: We’re not allowed to say ‘pee.’
Me,rubbing my temples: We say ‘tinkle.’
Dr: E-
Me: YES EVEN THE ADULTS
Six-year-old: “Dad why do you have to go to work?”
Me: “If I didn’t go to work who would buy your transformers?”
Six-year-old: “Dad the money for transformers doesn’t come from your work. I pay for those by doing extra chores.”
Caveman 1: Tell me a story.
Caveman 2: Once upon a time….
Caveman 1: Woah you lost me!
PSA: Calories don’t count today because February 29 doesn’t really exist.
I can’t wait for thanksgiving. It’s an election year so that means there will be at least 4 fist fights and someone’s getting disowned.
Try a craft you’ve never done so you can get mad at a person you’ve never met.