It’s very rude to not refer to the manager at Burger King as “Your Majesty”.
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“I can’t believe putting bears in charge of the hospital administration system didn’t work out. They just kept eating all the patients!”
“Maybe we should let the bears choose the doctors?”
“And run the hospital cafeteria!”
“More bear involvement is obviously the answer!”
My kids teach me something every day. Today my 1-year-old taught me how much plumbers cost per hour. Who flushes a potato?
The way this woman squealed when getting proposed to is the exact same reaction I had when I found out the restaurant serves 3lb. lobster.
[1st date]
{don’t let her know you’re Hitler}
HER: what are you going to eat?
ME: definitely not seafood
HER: did u say nazi food?
ME: shit
People in the bar at closing time are kinda like samples at Costco.
Both seem so much better before you take them home.
[candy store]
ME: I’d like to return this Tic Tac.
CLERK: It looks partially eaten.
ME: It’s still in…
CLERK: Don’t
ME: …mint condition.
[god inventing humans]
angel: what does it do
god: creates, loves, invents…
angel: awesome
god: storms area 51 in the style of an anime character
angel: wtf
god: it also makes quiche
How many babies got thrown out with the bathwater before they invented that saying?
[stopped by cop]
Cop: License & registration
Me *slurring my words*
Cop: Have you been drinking sir?
Me: No, this is just who I am b4 coffee
My friend is addicted to interventions and I don’t know how to help him.
Sex is a lot like Mario Kart, you go really fast, you throw some bananas, Wario is there.
Son: Dad, can we have the talk on how babies are made?
Me: Haha no way! I do not want to know!
Detective: cause of death
Coroner: too long in a sensory deprivation tank
Detective: that makes no sense
Coroner: i know what it does Dave
Q: Why do we put candles on top of a birthday cake?
A: Because it’s too hard to put them on the bottom!
#HappyBirthdayBob
Me: It’s hard to stay mad at a guy who shows up with pizza instead of a lame bunch of flowers.
Domino’s Delivery: Listen lady I’ve only been late one time.
The IBS drug commercial that mentions “urgent diarrhea” implies there’s also a laid back, non-urgent form of diarrhea that I’ve never had.
Anyone who says time flies, has obviously never been on a treadmill.
Dinner Party
Hostess: How much of this would you like?
Me eyeing the platter suspiciously: just one clump please.
a person who loves cats is not a cat person theyre a dog person who loves cats. a cat person is sombody who is completley apathetic to cats
I’ve never been a backseat driver. My arms aren’t long enough.
“Do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life”
Ok Brenda but watching Netflix and eating Nutella straight out the jar isn’t gonna pay my bills is it?
“Always bring a nail file, scissors, tweezers, a corkscrew, a toothpick and a bottle opener to a knife fight.” — The Swiss Army
Linda longed to linger longer, but the alliteration police were nearly onto her
[commercial for twitter]
hey do you love wasting time and also getting angry
Cigarettes have warning labels because they are dangerous and addictive yet vaginas are allowed to just roam around freely.
walking into gamestop smoking a cigar to announce that i own $60 of stock and i demand they add garfield to super smash bros
This spa was amazing!
Umm Miss, you just walked through our car wash.
It’s like the people who drive Smart cars don’t even realize that other cars are an option.
I’m at a hockey game and the players weren’t really trying but then a guy 5 rows up yelled “come on” and then they tried harder.