It’s way easier to procure food now than it was for our ancestors. Thousands of years ago, instead of buying it in the store, I would have had to hunt this can of Pringles in the wild.
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Excited for my new sour patch kids diet. I think this is the one
The problem with hosting a party at my house is I can’t leave the party early and go home.
I made a ton of jokes about swine flu, but then I got swine flu. And as they rushed me to the hospital, I honestly thought I was going to die. So I used what little energy I had left to send this final text to a friend: “Make sure they serve pork at my funeral.”
Me: Who is the most handsome man in the world?
Wife: Ewan McGreggor
Me: Thank you but you can only pick one
I’m old enough to remember the days of rolling blackouts. Admittedly, they were mostly caused by single malt, but still.
I used a maternity leave to grow out my bangs.
And that is why she will always be my favourite child.
WIFE: I got us this new candle
ME: sweet. What flavor is it?
W: don’t you mean ‘what scent is it?’
ME (with a mouthful of candle wax): What?
Misery loves company. But not you. Even Misery has standards.
Sorry folks but there’s only 2 genders: human and dancer
The Bible would be more believable if Adam was tempted by a slice of pizza instead.
My husband put a few of his items in my luggage. I can’t believe after 31 years I am still dealing with this shit. It’s like he has no idea how selfish I am.
You sure about that?
Candlesticks, for when you want to be stylish but also might need a murder weapon.
The only thing I want written on my tombstone is “I’m standing right behind you.”
Why I’m starting to hate Twitter…
HIM: I love reading big novels.
ME: No kidding, so do I!
*I whip out one of those oversized picture books they use in kindergarten*
When I see a “How am I driving?” sticker, I want to take the driver in my arms and tell them that I too have questions about my existence
*At animal group therapy*
Moderator: introduce yourselves please
Fruit bat: I’m a bat that eats fruit …
Honey bear: I’m a bear that eats honey…
Sperm whale: do we have to do this?
No, my carpet does not match the drapes. I simply refuse to shave my head.
Remember, your toilet is just afraid of you as you are of it.
If you breakdance you buy dance.
*sees cute girl on sidewalk*
nice
*she makes eye contact*
oh wow
*she smiles*
is this happening
*she’s holding a clipboard*
god dammit
Always do the right thing
everyone has a camera.
*uses Ouija board*
NEW PHONE WHO DIS
How can my wife’s hands not open a jar of pickles in the day, but become superhuman vice-grips at night when I want some covers?
Me: so you want me to buy all the presents.
Santa: yes.
Me: put them together?
Santa: yep.
Me: wrap them up?
Santa: that’s right.
Me: and then tell my kids you got the presents for them?
Santa:
Me:
Santa: I mean when you say it like that it sounds bad.
I used to think people who looked for sex on craigslist were rock bottom… Then I discovered twitter.
me: [typing] donkey kong
fbi agent watching my screen: don’t do it
me: donkey kong no tie
fbi agent: god damnit-[into radio] take him down
Me: THE CAKE IS TAKING TOO LONG
Priest: it’s objections to the marriage, specifically
This going into the office stuff blows. Like, I seriously have to wear clothes now.