It’s weird how horses can run so fast but still suck at every other sport.
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I’ve never seen the movie Snakes On A Plane. What’s it about?
My phone only recognizes my fingerprint if it has cheese on it
If Thor is a woman, what’s next? Woman doctors? Woman lawyers? Woman mothers? When will it end?
[Turing Test]
Tester: Let’s start with an easy one, the square root of 29241?
Subject: 171!
Tester:
Subject: I meant, idk math is hard. lol
ME: I got us a penguin!
WIFE: Why would you think I’d want a penguin??
PENGUIN: Maybe not everything is about what you want.
ME: *Points at penguin* That. Yes.
I enjoy long woks to the Chinese place up the street.
Whenever I hear a helicopter I say “gotta go- there’s my ride!”
Nice hourglass figure, girl. Wanna come back to my place and stand on your head so my friends and I can keep time while we play Pictionary?
Why is it no matter how bad you rack yourself physically ppl invariably ask “Are you ok?”
Sure I am. Why I was just thinking this morning my hair would look so much better if it had matted blood in it.
5 asked me to come to her hairdressing salon, put some accessories in my hair then looked at me and said “well your hair looks good now but I don’t know what we can do with your face”. Worst hairdresser I’ve been to, do not recommend
*watches Easy Hairstyle tutorial*
*burns neck with curling iron*
*stabs scalp with bobby pin*
*gets hairspray in eyes*
*wears hair in ponytail*
Budget: She really knows how to stretch me to the limit.
Spanx: Dude, look who you’re talking to.
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
“Ok, hear me out. What if we gave people enough for three fries?”
-guy who invented ketchup packets
GIRLFRIEND: Hold on, Dan’s calling.
ME: Tell him I said, “Hi.” He’ll know what it means.
GIRLFRIEND: …I assume it means “Hi.”
ME: Yeah I didn’t say he was the only one who’d know what it means.
Guys, women can spot another woman at 10 paces and tell you if she’s wearing 5″ or 6″ heels. She knows exactly what, 6″+ looks like.
WANTED: Call center workers with very weak english, poor communication skills and short temper needed for major bank. Bonus paid for low IQ.
Since I moved into my house, my parents do this thing where they come over so my dad can work on a project but he always forgets a tool he needs so they just drink my beer instead.
Remember that decades long January? We didn’t know how good we had it.
Before you cut the sleeves off your acid wash denim jacket, read the warning label about the associated risks of dying from too much sex.
If the shoe fits, wear it. And if these shoes belong to someone else, walk away briskly.
Let’s be honest: The documentary they were making before the Blair Witch killed them would have sucked
squid in the streets, octopus in the kitchen, did i do that right?
Maybe just don’t throw stones in any kind of house.
the year is 2025. ur child comes home from their first day of school saying they made a friend. ur ecstatic. there are numbers in his friend’s name and u think to urself ‘odd but ok.’ u call to set up lunch with the young robot’s parents. a tesla pulls up and u realize ur mistake
Ladies, have you gone shopping lately? Where are the other halves of the shirts and pyjamas?
They’re all made for Winnie the Pooh. Oh bother, my ab gets cold.
I’d hit that
-me, to my snooze alarm
Don’t give me instructions to your place that have words like “eastward” or “kilometres” and then get mad when I don’t show up
Why hasn’t anyone marketed bottled water as nonalcoholic vodka?
give me a pen that doesnt look like a flower before i kill myself, Sheryl.