@theDanLawler

It’s weird how many of my ancestors were sepia-toned.

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@OBiiieeee

Took a poop without my phone. Had no idea what to do with my hands. Did the Macarena. What a day.

@Alex_N_Chains

If you don’t think monkeys are adorable, then you can suck macaque.

@jferg1616

I’m the kind of guy who brings his phone charger to the party.

@Eithercryingor

“People who shed hair should clean up their hair”
14yo horrified, cleaning bathrooms for the first time in his life.

@mjkspeaks

Please don’t come to my garage sale if you’ve ever let me borrow something.

@iGreenGod

My wife and I were leaving for our night out.

Our babysitter smiled and said, ‘Take as long as you like.’

That was three years ago. I hope she likes being a parent.

@JasonLastname

First rule of robbing banks is you have to shout, “THIS IS A ROBBERY!” Otherwise they might think it’s a baptism.

@MariyaAlexander

Wearing my lesbian boots today. Well, they’re faux lesbian. I don’t believe in using lesbians for leather, even if they’re farm-raised.

@DocAtCDI

for all you non-native English speakers out there

“read” is pronounced like “lead”

and

“read” is pronounced like “lead”

@foxxy311

My coworker doesn’t like me which is weird bc her husband does.