It’s weird how many of my ancestors were sepia-toned.
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starting group chats is like that fox chicken & bag of grain riddle where you cant put certain guys in the same boat or theyll kill everyone
What a website
Nothing cuts deeper than an insult with bad grammar and a spelling mistake.
Welcome to Flavourtown I’m Gouy Fieouri
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesitater.
This air is so toxic and unhealthy right now I think I want to date it
My father in law drank four cartons of milk in less than six days, so I’ve decided we’ll need to ditch him pretty early on in the apocalypse.
Her: *drinking green smoothie* Try this. It’s all natural.
Me: Lava is all natural but you won’t see me drinking it.
Me: we can’t climb on this
My Kid: the older kids are climbing too
Me: yeah but there are signs all over it saying not to
My Kid: ohhhh these guys are probably too dumb to read
Older Kids: *sheepishly climbing down*
Woman: *being eaten by a Werewolf* My god, they’re right. Your hair IS perfect!
Spent all day doing one of my favorite things ever – not dying. Score.
and the Oscar for best actor goes to me for sitting at my desk and pretending to work
Apparently, saying “make it a double” followed by an awkward wink doesn’t work at the pharmacy.
Girl on Facebook
Heyy i have not seen u since high school.
Me. It’s been a while.
Her. Yea been married 6 years now : )
Me. Unfriend
I tried to find the quickest checkout by jumping grocery lanes and now I think I’m stuck in the line to pay respects to Queen Elizabeth.
Saw Dune last night. Man, that is one sandy movie. Up there with the two sandiest movies of all time, Lawrence of Arabia and Grease.
Before you harm any of your co-workers please consider the potential negative impact of prison on your Twitter time.
“Double, double toil and trouble; Fire burn and cauldron bubble”
– my stomach after eating jalapeño bean dip
Whenever someone calls me, instead of texting, I just assume they’ve had a horrific accident and have lost the use of their fingers & thumbs
may I borrow your hand mixer? I found a pumpkin carving hack that will destroy mine.
My autocorrect changed “graphic designer” to “groaning designer.” For once, it’s not wrong.
Being single isn’t always bad. Look at Kraft cheese for example.
Is fructose made with real fruct?
Tip: “At the same time” has more characters than “simultaneously.”
The point is, having a vocabulary helps you tweet gooder.
When you send a risky message to your crush and wait for the reply
My boyfriend is so rude. He hasn’t even introduced himself to me yet.
[sitting up to eat my ice cream] I feel my core getting stronger already
GOOD COP: He won’t talk except in sign language
BAD COP: I just cut off his left hand
BAD PUN COP: He still has the right to remain silent
My inside joke with my boyfriend is that every time he thinks a tweet is about him, I’m like, “it’s not about you, it’s about my other boyfriend!!!” And my inside joke with my other boyfriend is exactly the same
ME: one ariana please
STARBUCKS: what size
ME: *winks at camera*