It’s weird how many of my ancestors were sepia-toned.

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Took a poop without my phone. Had no idea what to do with my hands. Did the Macarena. What a day.


If you don’t think monkeys are adorable, then you can suck macaque.


I’m the kind of guy who brings his phone charger to the party.


“People who shed hair should clean up their hair”
14yo horrified, cleaning bathrooms for the first time in his life.


Please don’t come to my garage sale if you’ve ever let me borrow something.


My wife and I were leaving for our night out.

Our babysitter smiled and said, ‘Take as long as you like.’

That was three years ago. I hope she likes being a parent.


First rule of robbing banks is you have to shout, “THIS IS A ROBBERY!” Otherwise they might think it’s a baptism.


Wearing my lesbian boots today. Well, they’re faux lesbian. I don’t believe in using lesbians for leather, even if they’re farm-raised.


for all you non-native English speakers out there

“read” is pronounced like “lead”


“read” is pronounced like “lead”


My coworker doesn’t like me which is weird bc her husband does.