@theDanLawler

It’s weird how many of my ancestors were sepia-toned.

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@niilamyaamia

I feel more comfortable in your arms than anywhere else ❤

~Conversations I have with my couch

@Home_Halfway

HER: I like talking during sex, but I can’t stand it when you narrate the whole thing
ME: As she complains, I begin removing my pants slowly

@AdamDavis

Congratulations to our winner, Todd, who correctly guessed there were “hella jellybeans” in the jar.

@BunAndLeggings

I got lost from my family at Target and when they finally found me my 10-year-old said, “see I told you she would be by the candles.”

@SortaBad

me: [trying to sound cool] I’m in a punk band
cute co-worker: that’s cool. What the band’s name?
me: [looking over desk for ideas] Inbox(29)

@HotBitHoran

“Let the bodies hit the floor, let the bodies hit the floor”- John joyfully sings as he walks off with the ‘Caution: wet floor’ sign

@ItsAndyRyan

“The N stands for number – so no need to say ‘PIN number’.
“Terribly sorry, I’ll start again: ‘You’re dead if you don’t give me your PIN’.

@AndyAsAdjective

Does the employee manual say I CAN’T set up my camping tent inside my cubicle? No? Then please step outside & zip the door up behind you.