@theDanLawler
@LuvPug My boss called in sick of me
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@LuvPug 
@niilamyaamia I feel more comfortable in your arms than anywhere else ❤
~Conversations I have with my couch
@Home_Halfway HER: I like talking during sex, but I can’t stand it when you narrate the whole thing
ME: As she complains, I begin removing my pants slowly
@AdamDavis Congratulations to our winner, Todd, who correctly guessed there were “hella jellybeans” in the jar.
@RobinMcCauley Could you please put your screaming baby on vibrate.
@BunAndLeggings I got lost from my family at Target and when they finally found me my 10-year-old said, “see I told you she would be by the candles.”
@SortaBad me: [trying to sound cool] I’m in a punk band
cute co-worker: that’s cool. What the band’s name?
me: [looking over desk for ideas] Inbox(29)
@HotBitHoran “Let the bodies hit the floor, let the bodies hit the floor”- John joyfully sings as he walks off with the ‘Caution: wet floor’ sign
@ItsAndyRyan “The N stands for number – so no need to say ‘PIN number’.
“Terribly sorry, I’ll start again: ‘You’re dead if you don’t give me your PIN’.
@AndyAsAdjective Does the employee manual say I CAN’T set up my camping tent inside my cubicle? No? Then please step outside & zip the door up behind you.