It’s weird how nail clippers seem to breed in your bathroom drawer then scatter when you need a pair like some bizarre version of Andy’s toys.
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He died doing what he loved – meeting people from Craigslist to buy furniture.
Seize the day! Kidnap the evening! Murder the night! Assault the afternoon!
Do you ever wake up.
Kiss the person beside you, and just be thankful to be alive.I did.
Not really appreciated on flights apparently
So we’ve been saving this hour for four months and we’re going to squander it all in one night?
I tell ya, government spending is out of control.
She said she loved my personality, but I was drunk and can’t remember which one I was rocking.
*runs away to join the frog and cricket chorus
me: i should go to sleep
brain: read every political tweet that’s ever been written. let the rage fuel you. sleep is for the weak
It’s a beautiful day! The grill is going, I have a beer in my hand, the manager of this Walmart is yelling something wtf does he want
Sir, you can’t walk up to the drive through window.
[45 minutes later]
*gallops up to window on stick horse*
When the executioner asks me what my final words are I’m just going to start filibustering.
I always hated videos of animals being shot with tranquilizer darts to trap and transport them.
Now, I’m calculating the toddler dosage.
Dear lady arguing w/ the clerk over whether or not it is “good” champagne: YOU ARE IN A GAS STATION!
To the person that put “SMILE” as their name on the printer… I will not!! In fact, I will hunt you down and force you to watch me frown.
The hardest part of marriage is resisting temptation. Women just don’t understand how hard it is not to use a decorative towel.
one last job
Daughter: dada?
Me: no honey it’s not.
Daughter: is time travel possi-
Me: [winks].
Daughter: [runs away] AHHHHHHH!
Wife: how did you do that?
Me: I paid our son a dollar to ask her to ask me.
[sitting at bar next to cute woman]
You remind me of my late wife.
“Oh I’m so sorry.”
Don’t be, *looks across restaurant* there she is now.
“I Wish I Had Her Skin!”
– Teenage Girls & Serial Killers
What psycho decided it was a good idea for kids to hunt for chocolate easter eggs right when the spring thaw reveals all the dog poop?
After Jaws, I wouldn’t go in water. After the Godfather, I wouldn’t eat at Italian restaurants. I wish I’d seen the Omen before having kids.
Quick! I’m doing my taxes. Is it normal to get $76,000 back when you make $60,000?
*learning CPR*
CPR dummy: I have a boyfriend.
When life hands you a komodo dragon suddenly the times you got lemons seem pretty cool.
When I walk into a car dealership, I bring twenty senior citizens that are dying to talk to someone, so I can look at vehicles in peace
Some girls look like they’ve barely broken a sweat after hot yoga while I look like a tomato that’s been doused by a fire hose.
ME: babe I wanna show you something *lifts shirt up*
HER: you didn’t swallow lightning bugs again did you
ME: it’s supposed to say “will you marry me” *flicks tummy* c’mon guys we practiced this
Freddie Mercury: “Hey Brian, what rhymes with scaramouche?”
Brian May: um… Fandango?
Freddie: “Perfect!” *snorts another line of coke*
F: Why do we even have toenails anyway? It’s not like we can pick our nose with them.
Me: speak for yourself
[Controversial and unpopular statement]
Me: Achoo!
People trying to scare me: Boo!
My bladder: I hate October.