It’s weird how we get born in the same city as our favorite sports teams
You Might Also Like
me: *walking my dog*
her: ah, what’s he called?
my dog: john
Can’t. Too busy being force-fed teething crackers by my 1yo daughter.
My wife inexplicably waited to the last minute to tell me that my kids have dance class today.
So annoying when she does this every week.
White Walkers need coffee too #WinterIsHere
Pick a card, any card. No, not that one. Not that one, either.
The more we travel into the mountains the more little critters I see. A rabbit will run across the road, then a squirrel, then a crab. What?
If you’re going to regret this in the morning, we can sleep until the afternoon.
Her: Penny for your thoughts?
Me: Oh. I was just wondering if pears ever became sentient, do you think they’d have body image issues?
Her:
Me:
Her: Can I have my money back please?!
It’s like the only thing my kids learned from Snow White is that fruit is horribly poisonous.
fellas is it gay to work construction? u need me to clean up a shaft?? ur gonna dump ur load where??? what size nuts do i have?? daddy chill i’m just here to werk
My signature move is to tell men that I can’t hear them because I have my headphones in when I quite visibly don’t have headphones in.
Me: <throws caution to the wind>
Also Me: <panics and gathers up as many pieces of caution as possible before they scatter>
Got disqualified from the rap battle for being too dope*
*trying to start a tickle fight
Him: I think you pick fights with me to get out of doing things together
Me: That’s not true
H: Wanna go hiking
M: I don’t like your tone
I’ve been playing GTA for an hour and I still can’t find the “exchange insurance information” button.
That awkward laugh when they’ve said something innocuous, but you’re thinking something incredibly dirty.
-Whoa! Have you seen that big herd of bees outside?
-Not *herd* of bees.
-You’ve not heard of bees? They’re flying things with stings.
-I know, but it’s swarm!
-*sweating* I know, it’s boiling! But I’m not opening the window til that herd of bees has gone.
ignorant poors: We need money! Money is so important!
wise rich man: More important than a delicious orange? more important than a beautiful day at the lake house, or a humble Rolls-Royce Phantom?
We were stuck in traffic once when I was a kid and I had to pee so badly that I cried and my mom gave me a coffee cup to pee in and I think about that day every time I pee in a coffee cup.
Commander: ARCHERS READY
Archer: (to guy next to him) dude tbh I was zoned out wtf we supposed to be shooting at
Shrek + Akira = Shakira???
A Japanese game show where you have to run through a room full of hungry German Shepherds holding your boyfriend’s mom’s cat.
One time a guy came up to me at a bar and said “do you like air conditioning” and I said “yea” and he said “me too.” and he just walked away. I miss him everyday
Me: “Come on, what’s the worst that could happen?”
My Brain: “Let’s start an alphabetized list categorized by subject and severity, and when we run out of letters we’ll use numbers, and then hold on I should be writing this down”
wife: you need to do more around the house
me: can you change the subject please?
wife: yes, this house needs more work done by you
Ssshhh be quiet, I just found another endangered species.
Hey Brenda, let’s watch this cute kitten video!
*clicks on “Do You Wear Too Much Perfume?”*
Haha whoops wrong video but LET’S HEAR IT OUT
This idea is the best gift I’ve ever given myself
i’m just in the middle of doing some push ups. well actually i’ve just dropped a packet of M&Ms and i’m searching for the ones that rolled under my couch but same thing right
if i had to do it all over again i would definitely take more evening walks by the pantry