it’s weird that the skin that holds in all the organs of our body can be opened with a sharp piece of paper seems like a huge design flaw
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I was passing by, and I saw this guy in the bush shouting “Help, snake help”
I just laughed because I knew the snake wasn’t going to help him “
I just took an IQ test and apparently I’m a Libra?
These customers wanna come in at the most inconvenient times
-me during my whole shift
contractor: [looking at a water leak in my office] ok so it’s just a simple fix. you could do it yourself if you wanted to
me: yea i don’t
*performs perfect sleeper hold and drags another mailman into the garage*
…they just keep sending more…
Next time someone says “I’m a hugger” and tries to hug me I’m gonna say “I’m a puncher” and see how it goes.
I learned German so I could sound angry about everything.
I walked a girl home last night, and things got a little awkward at one point.
She turned around and found out I was walking her home.
[girl I’m talking to playfully touches my arm] Wait, do that again I wasn’t flexing.
Chicken pot pie sounds like such a good idea. If you add commas.
Been trying to pair my new phone with the Bluetooth in the car and I think it’s easier to get pandas to mate.
Somebody needs to get my shit together.
If something isn’t fair and square it‘s wrong and oblong
I do not want to cook the books
I do not like the charge you took
Reverse it now, end the scam
Before we hear from Uncle SamDr Seuss’s CPA
Tip for great hair: Don’t wash it for 17 days. Finally shower. Wait for the compliments to roll in.
When someone’s shooting at you, always run in a zig zag pattern. It won’t increase your odds. But it will make everyone laugh.
“Stomach…Lungs…Kidneys….Heart.” –
Me, at my organ recital.(Not even slightly sorry)
She had soft, black hair, and big, brown eyes. We went for a walk. I told her I loved her. Now she’s gone. She took off after a squirrel.
You know it’s time for a pedicure when you can exfoliate one foot with the other one
The neighbor is having an open home
How long should I stand at my front door naked yelling at birds?
Twitter creates a false sense of intimacy because who else spends as much time with you in the bathroom?
What woman say right before they kill you:
Wow.
Fine.
Whatever.
No problem.
I’m not mad.
Nothing’s wrong.
Sure, stay friends with your ex.
Will I understand Se7en if I didn’t see 1ne though Si6?
If anyone deserves an Oscar, it’s me for nodding and pretending to understand the directions you’re explaining to me when I know I’m going to use Google Maps regardless
3 little words that can bring a man to his knees on a Sunday morning
INTERNET IS DOWN
I always cry at wedding ceremonies because I don’t want to be there.
Turn that Robert Frowney Jr upside Downey Jr.
If Hugh Hefner ran a company wearing pajamas so can you.
me: any clue how my house burned down
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
[baby taking first step]
ME: OMG! He’s doing it!
BABY: My name is Steve and I’m an alcoholic