It’s when I saw the children playing with their toys completely wrong that I knew I had to step in
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If you kill the question, what do you bury?
The question remains.
Inspirational Quote Of The Day..
Me: so they don’t punish you at school?
Kid: they make us sit in a thinking chair
Me: does that work?
Kid: I already planned my next move while thinking in the chair
[Giraffes at gym]
“What do you want to work on today?”
Well we did neck day yesterday, and the day before.
“So…neck day again”
You bet
A router goes into a doctor’s office and says, “It hurts when IP.”
when my bf tells me i’m cute but i’ve just woken up and i’m grumpy
Me: *practices best man speech while shaving in front of mirror*
Driver’s ed instructor: stop the car
[marriage counseling]
She’s always getting mad at me
“There’s a shark living in our pool”
IT WAS SHARK WEEK AND HE WAS ON SALE, KAREN
‘I have a ripe avocado at home’ is my favorite excuse for cancelling plans
[Spelling Bee]
-Your word is ‘leniency’
-Can you use it in a sentence?
-*gets law degree*
*works in law*
*becomes judge*
*fines robber £1*
Seeing cover letters that say things like “since I was 4 it’s always been my dream to work as a staff accountant for your organization” and I’m like ok my goal at 4 was to live in a gingerbread house you’re hired.
you miss 100% of the gossip from the phone calls you don’t answer
the mechanic said it would be $800 to fix my brakes and I actually thought “how badly do I need them”
Thanks, baby Jesus, for helping me get that new job instead of helping millions of children find water and food. I know it was a tough call.
Yeah, conservatives. I will marry a dog. I’ll marry 12 dogs. I’m a dog mormon now.
Girlfriend: *twirls hair* so tell me what you like about me the most
Me: probably your willingness to date me
Assert dominance at IKEA by walking around wearing a tool belt with every size Allen wrench hanging from it and telling everyone you see to stand back
*rushing into work*
sorry i’m late. one of my apostles betrayed me last night
Day drinking poolside. There’s literally nothing that could ruin this moment.
“MOMMY WATCH THIS!”
Me: *disappears for a few weeks*
Friends: *No concern*
Me: *Posts inspirational quote on FB*
Friends: Dude, you okay? You need to talk?
Why does every dog run the moment you ask “what’s in your mouth”
“Living well is the best revenge.”
Alexa, what is the second best revenge?
This picture says the only time the queen has ever used a knife before this moment, is to kill someone.
Nothing tests the marriage bond like being stranded in an airport with kids.
Wife: have you seen the dog bowl?
Me: no, is he any good?
“Why won’t you loan a neighbor a cup of sugar?”
[ sigh ] “You’re a pile of ants wearing a bathrobe.”
[ bathrobe sags dejectedly ]
Have a headache? Eating a carrot can help if you take a Advil after it
Dog Park
Kid: What’s his name?
Me: Dorito. He’s a therapy taco. Don’t pet him.
Kid:*Throws Ball*
Taco:*Chases it. Lettuce flies everywhere*
Me, since I was 5: I wish I had curly hair!!
Life: Okay, I’ll give her only one curly hair that’s gray and sticks straight up in her mid thirties.
Just grow your own